Julie Luongo

“Men in general judge more from appearances  than from reality. All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration.” ~Niccolo Machiavelli

Farrah and Ryan: Faryan?

Not exactly breaking news, but I feel like I need to defend Ryan O’Neal. When Farrah Fawcett died, he caught some flack for hitting on his daughter Tatum O’Neal at the funeral. I felt for him. Not that I think he should be hitting on anyone at his wife’s funeral. But, face it, she forgave him tons of times for far worse infractions so who am I to judge? (In case you weren’t alive in the 70s, they were like Brangelina before we started mashing up celebrity names.)

If you missed the Tatum thing, here’s the account from Leslie Bennetts’ “Beautiful People, Ugly Choices:”

“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told me. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me—Tatum!’ I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so sick.”

“That’s our relationship in a nutshell,” Tatum said when I asked her about it. “You make of it what you will.” She sighed. “It had been a few years since we’d seen each other, and he was always a ladies’ man, a bon vivant.”

One of my reoccurring fears that something as humiliating as this will happen to me because I don’t recognize people. OK, so I doubt it’ll be as bad as this. But still, passing by your mother or your best friend could be as embarrassing for a normal person.

Here’s Tatum:

Tatum O'Neal

Here’s the Swedish model Charlotte Lindstrom who was in the news in 2007 for trying to hire hitmen to wack men:

Swedish Model

There’s a vague resemblance.

Speaking of Swedes, how about Elin Nordgren and Amy Smart?

Elin Nordegren

Enough of resemblance that you might mistake one for the other in a crowd?

Amy Smart

Speaking of Elin’s, how about Ellen Degeneres and Edie Falco?

Ellen Degeneres

Edie in her new show as Nurse Jackie:

Edie Falco

Walking quickly past you on a busy NY street? Hugging you at your wife’s funeral when you’re distraught and in desperate need of a drink? No? Well, I’d confuse them. I might even confuse Elin and Ellen. So, I feel for Ryan. He may be a super creepy playa, but I’m here to say it could happen to the best of us.

“Men give away nothing so liberally as their advice.” ~François de la Rochefoucauld

Enigma by Isia Leviant (1981, post Bridget Riley)

A friend of mine started a blog (he’s going to get into myspace in a few years, facebook in 2015, twitter in 2016). Ah, I kid. He’s always got something interesting to say, starting with advice to a 13 year-old. Here’s my favorite gem (which is a lot like my own rant about religion, but without calling god a twat):

There probably isn’t a God: Ok kid, maybe there is a small chance there is a god, but there is slim chance he’s anything described in the Bible, Koran or any other book. Anyone who claims they know for sure is to be mistrusted and ignored.

What you can know, is this: if god would banish Ghandi to hellfire because he’s not Christian, but let some asshole (let’s say Jerry Falwell) into heaven. If god treated some muppet (who did nothing positive his or her entire life, but merely repented for their sins and accepted jesus as their savior); better than people who did noble things most of their lives, but upset God anyways – for not kissing his ass and acknowledging him…

A god who is so vain he will punish you for not thanking him for making the world. A god who is this petty and ridiculous…. that he lays out dozens of religions for you to pick from like a multiple choice test, and turns around and tortures you ETERNALLY in hellfire for choosing the wrong answer….

If that is god, he’s an asshole.

If there is an afterlife, everyone will go there. There will be no screening process. If God is that much of a twat, you’re fucked anyways.

I thought I’d add my own advice to this. Not that I think there are lots of 13-year-olds stopping by here. Still, childless people need to chime in. Parents are always giving kids the same crap advice. “Be who you are.” “Try your best.” “If they judge you by your ugly pants, then they aren’t really your friends.” None of those old chestnuts ever did anyone any good.

So, here’s some advice that will actually help from someone who isn’t encumbered by pesky maternal feelings:

1. Recognize that your parents are just people. Don’t get yourself worked up over the mistakes your parents make. It’s pathetic and unhealthy. Watch some Arthur Miller plays and you’ll see what I mean. That guy could not get over that his dad was just a man. The quicker you get through this, the better. Seriously. Breaking away from your parents is a developmental stage you do not want to get stuck in. Just get over it.

2. Don’t get all bunched up over what you think people are thinking about you. First of all, no one is thinking about you for more than a few seconds in the first place. They’re all just obsessing about themselves. And if someone does happen to think a lot about you, it’s not actually about you anyway. It’s just some inaccurate projection that doesn’t have anything to do with you. So, relax.

3. Listen when people talk. Don’t interrupt. Don’t think of what you’re going to say next. Just pay attention. You probably want people to like you. And everyone likes people who listen to them. Yep, everyone. On the flip, you’ll quickly find out who you want to spend time with. I recommend you seek out people with ideas and curiosity about the world vs. status seekers and judgmental fanatics.

4. Speaking of fanatics, don’t be a fan. Like whatever you like. Comic books. The Clone Wars. Some sports team your parents are into. A band. An actor. Go for it. But here’s the problem with crossing over into fandom … most people are dull or assholes. Being able to hit a home run or write an awesome song doesn’t make someone a cool person, it just make him a good athlete or musician. Admire the skill, but don’t mistake it for a person that’s worth your admiration. Plus, it’s really gross to the date someone who is always slobbering over an actress they don’t know and they’ll never meet, so fandom’s not really going to work out for you in the dating category, which is probably going to be a top priority for you for the next 10 to 20 years.

Oh, and learn at least one foreign language and a musical instrument. And quit buying crap and asking people to buy you crap. There’s more to life than being a consumer. Like what? Like, look up Bridget Riley and then try drawing The Riley Illusion. Then make your own optical illusion. And show it to people. (The ones who like it are cooler than the ones who are indifferent.)

You’re welcome and good luck.