“I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.” ~Woody Allen
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
I blame my boyfriend for raising my aesthetic standards. Damn him. I’d shake my fist in the air in an exaggerated gesture of frustration, but I don’t do that anymore. I know how painful overwrought cliches are now.
Here’s what happened. I used to watch any movie that came down the pike. I looked forward to Teen Wolf II. I watched Porky’s whenever it was on. I have two copies of Clueless on DVD. I’ve watched Super Troopers more times than I can count.
But it turns out that Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle isn’t a classic. Looks like you can only say that about a certain “type” of movie. Not necessarily Casablanca, although, it is a classic. But also A Space Oddyssey 2001 and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Even Trapped in a Closet makes the list of “keepers.” (That truly is an epic R&B opera.)
Of course, there’s no limit to the additions of new movies if they make the grade. There Will Be Blood is as likely to make the list as an unexpected dark horse like Speed Racer. Or the first Hulk movie with Eric Bana.
I know! You’re appalled that there is a rating system that ranks Hulk higher than Clueless. But turns out that I’ll forgive a story flaw…in fact, I’ll forgive lots of story flaws if there’s an excellent character and/or a charming moment. I’m pretty flexible with this. I hated Talladega Nights until the bitter end. The idiot who learns a lesson isn’t my favorite yarn. I like the earnest innocent who gets his rewards, like Tim Robbins in The Hudsucker Proxy.
Nevertheless, I watched Talladega Nights one lazy night in Flagstaff. (Sasha Baron Cohen might be a genius, so I’ve got to keep an eye on him.) Anyway, at the very end of the movie there’s a scene with the father…if you’ve seen the movie, it’s when Will Ferrell asks his dad if he wants to go get kicked out of Applebees. It was utterly unexpectedly in what was one of the most predictably stupid movies ever. I had been feeling pretty angry that I’d even watched the movie until that moment.
My boyfriend won’t forgive story flaws for a touching moment or for an exceptional character (like I do with Ironman. Rah! Ironman). So, there are whole genres he won’t touch. He knows nothing of Elle Wood’s charm in Legally Blonde. Or Albert Brooke’s excellent interpretation of the dentist in the In-Laws. He doesn’t know about Anna Faris’ comedic timing. And Adam Sandler movies are all garbage (except Punch Drink Love). I argue for Billy Madison and Big Daddy and Happy Gilmore, but he’s not hearing it.
Nevertheless, I’ll can’t give up loving Mean Girls. But still, the truth is, he’s got a point. I’m not saying this in public because I lost a bet or anything. Or I’m dying to hear him tell me how he’s right. Trust me. In fact, I’m risking a lot coming out an admitting this. But I think it’s important to let you know the I kind-of like good movies now. What I mean is that if Ace Venture is on TV, I won’t watch it. I won’t rent Kung Fu Panda. And I know that Date Movie is one of the worst movies ever made. So, through months and months and months of immersion in movies without story flaws, I’ve come to be slightly more discerning.
Still, I can’t help myself. The impulse to consume crap remains. I just watched The House Bunny. Wow. That is a miracle of bad movie making despite Anna Faris. It’s not even really a movie. It’s just one long, clunky music montage connected by some poorly written dialog wrapped up in a tired plot that goes on much too long. It was directed by Fred Wolf who also directed Joe Dirt, which I liked … although, then he did Dickie Roberts and Without a Paddle, which were painful and awful in that order.
Still, the trailers are so enticing. Yeah, I want to see Marley and Me. And I have to see Yes Man. But I’ve learned enough that I won’t see Bride Wars. I will see Notorious, because I love it when you call me Big Poppa. And I’ll see the new Tim Burton movie. But I’m mostly excited to get Vicky Christina Barcelona on DVD so I can watch it over and over. I’ll put it right between Evolution and Shallow Hal. Is that wrong?
Christy said,
January 16, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Horrible movies can be entertaining – it depends on how and why they’re horrible and what turns you on. Classics, works of art and just plain good fucking movies are entertaining. You need to understand what you’re in for and judge accordingly. Ms. Julie, you don’t have enough time in your movie/entertainment life to be an insufferable snob. You should appreciate your crap and your high art. For what it’s worth I think Mr. Boyfriend should make entertainment concessions on par to what you’ve made. That would be fair. That way your movie relationship can blossom into a beautiful little turd nugget.
Christy said,
January 16, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I saw one of the grand masterpieces of horrific movie making this past week – Raptor Island. As you might have guessed it’s an original sci-fi movie available for instant play on Netflix. The acting is atrocious (or maybe some would say too good, the sets and special effects are fucking retarded. The dialog gives us snappy memorable one liners such as:
“it’d make a T-Rex piss on itself”
“you handled that AK like an old friend”
“i could field strip any weapon before i hit puberty”
Honestly, this movie was simultaneously so crappy and wonderful it may have ruined me on all B movies. I might always compare my Shark Attack 3’s and Puppet Master VS Demonic Toys’s to this from now on.
julieluongo said,
January 16, 2009 at 4:49 pm
“You handled that AK like an old friend.” I like it.
My friend was visiting the other day and she was on the phone with one of her employees and she said “I’m sorry you started your day on a hard step…” I like that, too. A hard step.
I was genuinely dismayed that Michael didn’t like Evolution. I flushed our beautiful turd nugget that day.
Christy said,
January 16, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I’m a half baked connoisseur of bad movies and I didn’t much care for Evolution. It was bad but not bad enough.
messiestobjects said,
January 16, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Hey, I like bad movies! Just not bad movies of the type that are trying to pack the herd into seats without even trying to throw those of us who hate the herd a bone. Spider Baby is my favorite bad movie. Trapped in the Closet is the most gloriously awful movie I’ve ever ever ever ever seen. I love it so much that I love the meta-commentary even better. Stepbrothers made me want to gouge my eyes out. It was not bad in a fun way. It was stupid, depraved, demoralized, and stupid stupid stupid. I dislike the modern comedy proclivity of grown men behaving like infants for a cheap fecal joke. It kind of frightens me, actually. It makes me feel the same way President Bush makes me feel.Evolution gave me the wiggins. Seriously? Ivan Reitman wanted to do a simpleton version of Ghostbusters? And instead of the stay-puf marshmallow man, we get a giant anus with legs. Urgh.
I liked Iron Man a lot, just not the ending. All the worst superhero movies have the hero fighting a bigger, meaner version of themselves. It’s trite. The rest of that movie was totally awesome, but evil Iron Man was dumb. The new Hulk was atrocious. I don’t understand all the hate with the Eric Bana version. Nor do I understand all the hate on Speed Racer. That movie is awesome… but perhaps it helps if you see it for the first time on blu-ray. It’s so pretty and shiny that perhaps the story gaps are easier to ignore. But still, it may not be Shakespeare, but I thought that the story was fine for what it wanted to be.
julieluongo said,
January 17, 2009 at 11:59 am
I didn’t like Teen Wolf II. I was just looking forward to it because I liked Teen Wolf. Just wanted to clarify.
Bob said,
January 19, 2009 at 11:10 am
I love Ace Ventura. That’s a brilliant movie! Honest! I rented it two nights running.
Christy said,
January 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Shark Attack 3: Megalogon has the best line I’ve ever heard in any movie:
“But you know I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?”
It’s also filled with some of the most ridiculous shark eating things scenes I have ever had the pleasure to witness. The first half hour or so is slow but once the Megalodons show up – it’s the best.
julieluongo said,
January 20, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Was that a reference to oral sex or feline as cuisine?
messiestobjects said,
January 20, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Sounds like the Megalodon writer was watching From Dusk ‘Till Dawn…
Christy said,
January 20, 2009 at 10:05 pm
No, you have to see/hear how the line is delivered. You can find it on YouTube.