“It’s not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.” ~Frank Zappa
Pin-Up Girl with Towel by Joyce Ballantyne
I hate to be a traitor to my foremothers who struggled to make my life so cushy and full and big. I really do. And I truly appreciate that I have control over my reproductive system. It’s absolutely a monumental turn in their revolution, and The Pill was biggest gun that fight (sorry, Roe vs. Wade). However, as big a tool it was in breaking the barefoot-and-pregnant shackles, The Pill’s time is over. It’s making a mess of things out there.
Sure, there are women who get terrible cramps that The Pill helps. And there are women with acne that The Pill helps. And there are women who don’t want to get their periods that The Pill helps. But consider the stakes … I’m not talking about STDs. It’s worse. The Pill is causing unhealthy kids and bad marriages.
I am not being an alarmist. A new study has revealed that woman on The Pill pick bad mates. And bad mating practices weaken the gene pool. Here’s what’s happening:
The Pill stops ovulation by releasing hormones that make the body think it’s pregnant. Biologically speaking, when the body is pregnant, women aren’t seeking a mate. Mate seeking behavior, despite our highly developed cognitive abilities, still has a lot to do with smell. We like to think we pick mates based on common interests and goals, but we wouldn’t have picked them if they smelled like doo-doo. That’s why we kiss, to taste and smell our mates.
We all have a “smell type.” Technically, I’m talking about our MHC gene. When women seek a mate, men with different MHC genes smell best. This is has an evolutionary purpose. If we mate with someone with different MHC genes, we will produce offspring with a wider gene range. Wider gene ranges equal hearty, healthy survival-of-the-fittest people.
When women are pregnant, people with similar MHC genes smell better. This is also a biological function allowing pregnant women to seek people, like family members, to help raise the baby. So, basically, The Pill-taking women could be dating men who have similar genes to their brothers. When partners with similar MHC genes mate, they produce offspring with less hearty immune systems.
Additionally, people with similar MHC genes have fertility problems, they are less satisfied in their relationships, and more likely to cheat. It stands to reason, of course. But apparently there is a study to support this.
So, see? The Pill leads to bad marriages and unhealthy kids.
I know all of this sounds very one-sided. As if women are the only mate seekers in the mating equation. But there are studies to show that when non-pill taking women are ovulating, men are more attracted to them. (Well, actually the study showed that non-pill taking strippers who were ovulating made more tips than non-ovulating strippers.) In the same vein, when non-pill taking women are most fertile, they prefer handsome, manly men (“symmetrical men”). So, you know, human ovulation isn’t as hidden as we think. As usual, we’ve found a way to screw it up.
So, now what we have to look forward to is a burgeoning generation of women who are getting their tubes tied only to wake up next to smelly, fey husbands to go to unfulfilling full-time jobs where they get crappy health insurance which they really need because the kids are always at the doctor’s office. Plus, they need to save up to send their not-so-bright, sickly offspring to mediocre schools. The good news is that our foremothers made that full-time job possible; and the tubal ligation is easy, safe, and legal; and if they want to divorce their husbands, they won’t be shunned. Hurray?
Interesting things I was reading when I wrote this:
Scents and Sensibility | BU Today
Social Psychology, by Kenneth S. Bordens, Irwin A. Horowitz
messiestobjects said,
August 18, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Ah, another great facet of the dilution of the gene pool theory for Idiocracy. So, really intelligent people who meet when she’s not on the pill and choose to have children are going to be the parents of tomorrow’s outcasts, because everyone else is going to be too stupid to recognize that they’re just smart, not gay.
julieluongo said,
August 18, 2008 at 1:06 pm
They’uns talk funny and all proper-like.
Nicholas said,
August 18, 2008 at 10:28 pm
The pill. It is the pharmaceutical equivalent of the one named artist. Sting, Madonna, Prince, Seal, the Pill.
I read that article too, and the study. It is interesting if you buy the olfactory sense (based on immune system stuff) – which is plausible, but hardly science at this point. If you do, then you better argue against deodorant, perfume and certainly AXXE body spray or whatever – not to mention the zinc cold preparations (Zicam) that effectively destroy the sense of smell. The capper though is assuming it is all true, and one step further that women only pick mates based on smell and the Pill skews that. You will still find that vastly more women have made bad marital and mate choices based on pregnancy than aroma. I am pretty unanimous on that.
julieluongo said,
August 19, 2008 at 9:31 am
Oh, I shun zinc. Zinc and I aren’t friends.
If you ask me, natural body odor is more powerful than any perfume. And even if someone is doused or you have a bad sense of smell, kissing gets to the root of things pretty quickly.
Of course women don’t only pick mates based on smell. But if a woman likes a man and gets close enough to see he smells bad to her, then he gets the “let’s be friends” line.
While I’ll agree that unplanned pregnancy can lead to bad marital choices, certainly there are a lot of good couples that have had accidental pregnancies. But that’s besides the point. This post is sponsored by Trojans. Condoms for everyone! (Even the smelly.)
Bunche said,
August 20, 2008 at 9:50 am
I always wondered about why humans kiss, especially when there exist cultures that don’t, and I have to agree with you the whole natural body odor thing. There are some twentysomething women whom I work with here at the design ‘ho’ house who regularly douse themselves in all manner of aggressive scents, and the Diney Girl I told you about favors a redolent vanilla that she will only buy from a Disney-related Bed, bath and Beyond knockoff. Thanks for the educational piece!
Bunche said,
August 20, 2008 at 9:51 am
And that should be “Disney,” not “Diney.” Damn this keyboard’s tiny keys and my sausage fingers!
julieluongo said,
August 20, 2008 at 10:41 am
I don’t like The Pill so I’ll take any opportunity to criticize it. I don’t think women should medicate their healthy bodies. If you get ovarian cysts, then ok, go ahead and take The Pill. But you don’t like getting your period or you have acne? Suck it up and get some Proactive. Not that I’m telling anyone what to do with their bodies – go ahead and take pills, smoke, drink, eat fast food, get abortions and plastic surgery … just know the possible consequences is all I’m saying. (Ok, I may be an alarmist.)
Lyd said,
August 27, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Great post Jule! I had no idea, but this totally makes sense. Yeah, the pill always freaked me out anyway — just messing with one’s hormones just doesn’t seem right… if not totally medically necessary…
julieluongo said,
August 28, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Still, I can’t convince Nicholas. (Pill popper.)