Sam: All I can tell you is that when you’re my age, guys will be lined up around the corner for you.
Josie Geller: You have to say that because you’re my teacher.
Sam: Actually, I shouldn’t say that because I’m your teacher.
~Never Been Kissed
Valentine’s Day is coming up, which means that lovers and singletons alike are shouting “Hallmark Holiday,” which is historically inaccurate. Not that I want to advocate needless consumerism. I’m just saying.
Nevertheless, it’s always depressing to be single when you think everyone else in the world is getting gifts and delicious dinners and great sex while you sit home looking at your cat or your leg hair or your beer gut. However, take heart because, if I’ve learned anything about love from romantic comedies, it’s that there’s someone for everyone.
Here’s my Random-Ten List of Things I’ve Learned about Love from Movies:
- If you kidnap a woman, you will eventually marry her. You might get put in jail, but you won’t suffer any consequences of breaking out, and in fact, you’ll be rewarded for your illegal actions by being invited to sing at a Neil Diamond concert (Saving Silverman).
- If you’re a teacher, it’s ok to fall for a student if she’s an undercover reporter – even if you didn’t know that before you contemplated statutory rape (Never Been Kissed).
- If you spend the days before your wedding searching for a person you spent a few hours with years ago, and you find him/her, it’ll all work out for the best for everyone, even the person you’ve scorned who will let you go without any hurt feelings (Serendipity).
- If you’re a commitment phobic man, you’ll be happy with a woman who has a head injury that affects her memory daily because commitment phobic men are afraid they’re going to get bored or get trapped by someone with expectations (50 First Dates).
- If you’re a commitment phobic woman, you’ll be happy with a man who will take care of you and wants to marry you before you’ve even been on one date because commitment phobic women are afraid of abandonment and secretly worry that all men are commitment phobic (Along Came Polly).
- If you’re an average, not particularly talented, cranky, unpopular girl, you can get the smartest, most popular tool-of-a-guy in school if you just show him that he doesn’t have to people please all his life and forgive that he dated you on a bet (She’s All That).
- If you’re a stereotypical, personality-free, rich snob and your competition is an unusual and devoted dork, you can get the slack-mouthed, poor white trash girl with an unemployed, sad-sack, drunk dad (Pretty in Pink).
- If you’re aching for someone really cute and exciting, you can hook up with the balls-out-crazy lady who broke into your country house and spread lies about you to everyone in town (Housesitter).
- If you are an emotionally immature loser with no ambition, but have money and a weird kid likes you, you’ll be able to hook up with a beautiful, interesting woman with a psycho, possessive son (About a Boy).
- If you’re a cute but deeply insecure woman and you mess with some guy by hooking him up with Uma Thurman, you’ll get him in the end because men with accents prefer smart, insecure women who are cute to stupid, insecure women who are goddess-beautiful (The Truth about Cats and Dogs).
If that doesn’t cheer you up, well … I have a story about a clever, kind, obese woman who hooks up with an ugly, superficial guy after he gets whammied to only see inner beauty (Shallow Hal) … or one about a reporter who falls in love after pretending (poorly) to be someone else to trick a guileless heir (Mr. Deeds) … and one about a charmless doormat who loses weight and gets her sister’s ex-husband on a rebound (America’s Sweethearts).
Cheered up? I thought so. You’re welcome!
Gary said,
February 11, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Don’t forget mine and everyone’s favorite:
If you look like Julia Roberts and have a “heart of gold” you can easily be a prostitute with no ill effects, because a really awesome rich guy will fall in love you (and also be changed into an even more awesome guy from said love) and give you his credit cards so you can go shopping for expensive clothes.
julieluongo said,
February 11, 2008 at 1:47 pm
That could be a children’s book: “If you give a prostitute a credit card”
Gary said,
February 11, 2008 at 1:56 pm
There you go. I’ll let you have that idea for free.
michael said,
February 11, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Or my favorite, if you’re a married middle-aged pedophile looking for love, you can drug your son’s friend’s tuna sandwich one night when the boys are having a sleepover and have your way with his unconscious body. Granted, he’ll be sick the next day and wind up giving you away after the medical exam, you’ll go to jail and your family will revile you forever, and the boy’s uber-high strung bruiser of a Dad will want to kill you, but I guess it’ll be worth it if, you know, you’re into that sort of thing. (Happiness)
julieluongo said,
February 11, 2008 at 2:25 pm
It was completely unnecessary to have an uber-high strung guy in the role of the dad to sell the intensity of that character’s emotion.
michael said,
February 11, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Well you know, some people watching that movie might come to the conclusion that the pedophile is a sympathetic character, so they had to make sure that people understood that pedophilia is wrong, dammit.
Bunche said,
February 13, 2008 at 2:55 pm
That movie poster looks like it could be for a flick called “Love On the Short Bus.” Is that supposed to be Drew Barrymore? Ye gods…
julieluongo said,
February 13, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Well, she does have a traumatic brain injury in the movie, so maybe the painter was using artistic license to interject some reality into the flick (something it desperately needs).
Anonymous said,
February 13, 2008 at 7:11 pm
MY pick is aan independant film about a son on summer break from college, who wants nothing more than to fuck an underage girl or just beat off. Instead, he is stuck taking care of his invalid mother (broken leg) and yes you all know how this turns out, they (mother and son) end up fucking the shit out of each other. I wont ruin the finer details of the film execept to say…do not ever ask your horney son to apply lotion to your dry casted leg.
spank the monkey was the films name and i have never been the same since i saw it. I mean, that is the rawest form of romance and everything after it is just kind of cheap.
IdeaSmith said,
February 14, 2008 at 4:29 am
Hahahaha! This is so brilliant, you just made my V-day!!!
julieluongo said,
February 14, 2008 at 11:03 am
Thanks IS. I’m pretty pleased that watching all of those stupid romantic comedies over and over finally came in handy
Sarah said,
February 20, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Hey! That looks just like how I could draw Drew Barrymore! I could be a starving artist in Russia. tempting…tempting…
julieluongo said,
February 20, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Those movie billboards are awesome. Here are some more.
julieluongo said,
February 20, 2008 at 11:35 pm
You said “draw Drew.”