“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” ~The Rolling Stones
One Christmas my sister and I spent hours fantasizing about unicycles. We didn’t get them. It was our own fault. We asked Santa for them a scant two days before Christmas. We understood. Revisions made to the list at that late date might not be accommodated.
Years later when I tried to learn to snowboard I realized that whatever I got instead of the unicycle was a treasure. No matter how much I thought I wanted that thing, I wouldn’t have wanted it after about 3 hours of landing on my sore tailbone and / or tender kneecaps.
And yet, I still want Gravity Defying Boots (99.95 – $139.95). I can’t help it – we all have our weaknesses. They look fun! Running in them would be like the dream I have that I love:
But I know better and will use my best product discernment skills to resist temptation as I turn the pages of high-priced junk catalogs this holiday season. And so continues my list of products you should not buy:
TimeMug, The World’s Only Dishwasher Safe Time-Telling Mug – $24.95 – 29.95
This is touted as a “clever alternative to glancing at your watch during meetings.” Here’s an idea. Don’t be such a wuss and look at your watch if you need to be somewhere at a certain time. If not, pay attention during your meetings like the good employee you are. Just remember, someone somewhere right now is unemployed and eager to get your job.
Naturally, I do support this product for the wristless. (Thanks to Messiest Objects for showing it to me.)
Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker – $49.95
Do you want to spend almost fifty bucks to make hot dogs? While you’re at it, why not buy an Easy Bake Oven and start a wedding cake bakery? Maybe you could run the bakery out of your house and then buy yourself a Jaguar for the commute.
If you really need to buy a kitchen appliance, here’s one I approve:
The Wolfgang Puck Toaster Oven / Toaster – $99.50
Because sometimes the toaster ovens just don’t toast so well.
Again, check in soon for more valuable shopping tips and feel free to link me to products to review. I’m here to help.
Sissy said,
November 29, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Julie was the first person in the world to own a pair of rollerblades. One day I got wasted and needed some acid so, naturally, I asked Julie for her blades…..and now I feel like I can’t finish this story here…..I’ll pick up on it later.
But, OMG, I have to have a pair of those new fangled boot walkie bouncie guys up there! That’s what made me think of the rollerblading incident. Those boots rock, and although I haven’t laid eyes on Julie in 15 years, I can totally see her prouncing around the neighborhood in her gravity-defying boots. Good thing I don’t drink anymore. Or eat acid.
julieluongo said,
November 30, 2007 at 12:56 am
It’s interesting that I enabled you with my rollerblade as it’s a fact that later in my life I disabled myself with those very same rollerblades.
julieluongo said,
November 30, 2007 at 1:09 am
Oh, my. I knew those anti-gravity boots would be ridiculous. I just found a YouTube commercial. Get a load of how those people are running.
Jim said,
December 1, 2007 at 4:11 am
Anti-gravity boots?
And this whole time I’ve been calling them Rape Boots… Hmmm.
michael said,
December 2, 2007 at 12:59 am
You know what makes the time mug even dumberererer than it looks? The ad touts it as a way to sneak glances at the time while in a work meeting, right? So, what, your boss and co-workers didn’t notice that big honkin’ clock on the side of your mug? Of course they did. So now, not only will you feel uncomfortable looking at your wristwatch, you’ll feel uncomfortable looking at your mug. In fact, it actually triples your chances of getting a disapproving glare from your boss, because you have your watch and your mug that you’re now afraid to glance at, and also what if you’re just looking at your mug because you want to sip your coffee? So, that particular look can now be misinterpreted by your boss. Anyway, I’m thinking that bosses who disapprove of surreptitious time-glancers probably also disapprove of flashy coffee mugs.
Solution: Look at your wristwatch any damn time you feel like it, and don’t accept a stern glance as a reprimand. If your douchey boss actually is the type to make the joke, “What, are you in a hurry to get out of here?” There are two good answers. A) Yes, yes I am. Or, B) It’s not that, it’s just that due to the “Time is money” mentality of our sick and declining culture, I have this compulsive need to always know what time it is, which is why the wristwatch was invented in the first place. Ass.
Oprah Boy said,
December 2, 2007 at 10:13 am
You forgot C) Drink whiskey in your fancy clock mug and answer “Yeah, I gotta go fuck your wife in ten minutes.”
Sarah said,
December 2, 2007 at 7:57 pm
What a bitter disappointment to see those dorks mucking around in those clunky boots. But, I still want heelies. Oh, how I wish we had heelies when we were little.
Matt Lesoine said,
December 3, 2007 at 12:33 pm
That hot dog “stove” looks alright. I’d get one and bring it to work and then sell hot dogs to people. It could be my side job that I do during my real job. Besides it has to be better than the roach coach hot dog salesmen in the City with their scummy water dogs…
julieluongo said,
December 3, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Matt, excellent career choice. Very opportunistic. It could bust the hot dog field wide open for you.
julieluongo said,
December 3, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Sarah, watch Guillermo on heelys:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQgeg1e5mJo
Remind you of anyone?
julieluongo said,
December 3, 2007 at 3:35 pm
“I have this compulsive need to always know what time it is.” Michael, I wish I thought of that! Damn. Inventing compulsions would be a good way to answer any question. I’m stealing that for a character in the new book.
julieluongo said,
December 3, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Gary, a fuck-your-wife joke? Have you been influenced by the guido douchebags?
Oprah Boy said,
December 3, 2007 at 4:03 pm
Hey hey hey whoa whoa, watch it Luongo!