“Bad art is a great deal worse than no art at all.” ~Oscar Wilde
This is not a review. This is a warning. Transfomers is a horrible movie. It’s insanely stupid. It is symbolic of the idiocracy that is American film. The problems are many:
- The action is mostly done in close-up which makes it impossible to actually discern what’s going on most of the time.
- There are so many story lines that none of them are developed enough to make any of them even remotely interesting.
- The overall story was incoherent, pointless, and inconsistent.
- The dialogue was at best forced and at worst confusing, dumb, and cliched.
- The stock characters were embarrassing. The chubby black guy who screams coupled with the hot blond Australian computer geek girl is the most insulting.
- The humor, or what passed as humor, was clearly designed just to pull our strings because it was generally not connected to the weak stories in any way. Nor was it ever actually funny. But I witnessed the guffaws. Apparently Michael Bay knows that most people shut their brains off when they step into the theater, so it worked out for him.
I was angry that I went to see this crap. Add to my let down the fact that I was screening it for my nephew who loves Transformers. But it turns out, it’s not a kids’ movie. Well, it is if you want to explain to an elementary school kid what masturbation is. Even if it were appropriate for kids, it’s simply not good. This is coming from a woman with notoriously low standards for her entertainment.
Low as my standards are, apparently Michael Bay has no standards. His first movie was Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall. I didn’t see it, but I’m guessing it was probably as lame as Pearl Harbor. The Rock, Bad Boys, Armegeddon, all abominations. Really, what was I expecting?
Well, I was expecting some watchable action. A tolerable story. Maybe even a sleeper like War Games or True Lies or The Long Kiss Goodnight. I was not expecting to be insulted with a patchwork of idiotic gags that wouldn’t be funny in a coherent story. It felt like this movie was clapped together by a committee of half-wits. I’m still pissed that I watched it. I wish Optimus Prime would come and kick Michael Bay’s butt because he’s worse than Megatron.
wAnAboed said,
July 24, 2007 at 2:52 am
I haven’t seen yet, but the trailer is so inredible for me … Hmm do you write about 300 spartan movie? 300 is suck! This movie make advanced cultural persian just like a dumb asses. 300 can defeat grenades? WTF …..
http://harrypottersouthpark.wordpress.com/
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 2:56 am
Yeah, I couldn’t bring myself to see 300. Sometimes I know better. Sometimes…
Sissy said,
July 24, 2007 at 7:50 am
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You just saved me $100 in tickets and over-priced snacks. I was actually going to take them this week. And now I will place it on hold in my Netflix account. There’s nothing like saving myself money AND time.
MamaPeg is Watching You said,
July 24, 2007 at 8:31 am
What’s really sad is that guys in their 30s are anxious to see this movie because it reminds them of their way-cool toys. My co-worker always talks about his Optimus Prime Transformer. I fear they will be sorely disappointed and, in the case of my co-worker, I will have to scrape him off the floor and out of the fetal position because he spent a week’s worth of lunch money only to be disappointed.
Jenn said,
July 24, 2007 at 8:36 am
Hey now. The Rock wasn’t THAT bad. How can a movie with Sean Connery be that bad?
And speaking of Sir Sean, we just watched the latest James Bond – Casino Royale. I have to say that I thought Daniel Craig brought the franchise back to the Sean Connery days. He played the character with the same rough edges and intensity that Connery did, as opposed to the sleeker, glossier performances of Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore. I liked it, and I don’t care what you say, but Daniel Craig is stinkin hot.
Jenn said,
July 24, 2007 at 8:38 am
Peg, I noticed that as soon as they said they were making this movie. Guys in their 30s grew up with Transformers, and many of them now have sons of their own. The film’s producers figured they had a built in audience right there, and from what I remember of my friends that played with Transformers, they were really into them. Often, nostalgia will trump a bad review, and that’s probably what they were counting on.
MamaPeg is Watching You said,
July 24, 2007 at 8:39 am
Jenn,
I concur!
Gary said,
July 24, 2007 at 8:40 am
I’m glad that the original Transformers was after my time. I’m actually too old for it! hahahaha. I’m so old. So so old.
Jenn said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:09 am
Probably not as old as you think, Gary. The guys I am talking about were in high school at the time. They didn’t play with the toys, but they were obsessed with the cartoon.
Gary said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:25 am
Well what I mean is by the time Transformers came along I was too old to be into it. It didn’t do anything for me. But if I was a few years younger I probably would have been totally into it. I’m more of a Star Trek, Star Wars (even though I hate it now) Godzilla, Ultraman kid.
MamaPeg is Watching You said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:28 am
My brothers watched Ultraman. You’re not that old -really.
MamaPeg's Co-worker (aka Dayv) said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:36 am
When I heard they were making this movie my biggest fear was that they would take my childhood memories, digest them, and crap them out into a steaming pile right there on the screen.
Yes, I still miss my Optimus Prime with his broken leg that I tore off just trying to get him out of the styrofoam packaging because I was so excited when I got him for Christmas. And, yes, I cried when OP died in the original animated movie, and was jumping for joy (on the inside… actual jumping just isn’t my “thing”) when he was revived towards the end of the animated series. I (ahem) “borrowed” images from the movie’s website and put them all over my MySpace page months before MySpace was offering a Transformers-themed layout.
I’ve heard good things about the movie from my sister, who was never even a Transformers fan (since she’s only 16), and from a guy I’ve been kinda-sorta “talking to” for a couple weeks now who I’ll probably take with me even though he saw it. (Because he said it was THAT awesome that he wants to see it again.)
So I’ll take my chances, and if I spend a week eating Ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, so be it.
Christy said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:40 am
Julie, you’re so negative. You forgot the one outstanding achievement of the film. It took product placement to heights never imagined… It was truly breathtaking..
I really feel like checking my eBay account right now to see if there are any Camaros, Nokia cell phones or Xbox 360s selling ridiculous cheap. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from.
Matt Lesoine said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:42 am
How can you not like a movie with the following quotes:
“Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”
“I can’t cut someone’s balls off with clippers can I?”
“A minute ago you wanted a gun. Now you’re getting a gun AND a wetsuit.”
etc, etc
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:53 am
Dayv, I totally support seeing a movie for dating purposes. I’m talking to some guy who wants to see it again, I’m not only going to the movie, but I’m laughing at all of the knee jerk gag spots. Hell yes I am! I know how to get into the spirit of a bad movie. But know this Dayv, it’s not Alanis. It’s Fergie. It’s the movie equivalent of Lady Lumps.
(My reference to Dayv is from this YouTube on his MySpace):
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:55 am
Jenn, Matt, ok…you can have The Rock and I’ll take Clueless.
Jenn said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:35 am
But I like Clueless too. How about this – I’ll take Billy Madison and you can have Happy Gilmore?
michael said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:49 am
I loved the Transformers… when I was 12 or 13. Starscream was my favorite. I even bought a Starscream last March when they started re-issuing the toys.
Michael Bay is a pig dog from hell. The Movie is garbage. What makes it so awful is that, like all of the pig dog from hell’s movies, the action is so constant and high speed and unintelligible between really stupid jokes, you don’t have time to process the actual information and plot until it’s over. A part of you is going “what what what?!” while you’re watching it, but unless you care about a consistent plot, which most of the pig dog from hell’s fans don’t, you never have time to think about how god-awful it was.
On the way home from the movie, I kept remembering so called “plot points” and realizing that not a single thing in that movie actually held together.
Has anybody else seen the pig dog from hell’s movie, Bad Boys II? Will Smith and Martin Lawrence invade Cuba. CUBA!!! for god’s sake. And I don’t mean that they go and have a frat party there and fuck lots of Cuban chicks. They invade it. With guns and car chases and explosions and stupid jokes and lots of dead poor people who live in a shanty-ville who they say it’s ok to drive over because they’re probably all drug dealers, anyway.
PIG DOG FUCKER FROM HELL!!!
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:53 am
Jenn, how about you take Peanut Butter Jelly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4
And I’ll take the break dancer representing the Orthodox Jewish community:
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:59 am
Michael, maybe watching people fall will cheer you up. You seem really angry with Michael Bay, PDFFH:
Dayv said,
July 24, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Dude, when you have alien robots that turn into cool Camaros, who needs a plot?? Killer robots from outer space isn’t enough??
I should probably point out at this time that one of my favorite movies of all time is Chicken Run… if that gives you any idea of where my head is when it comes to feature films…
Jenn said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:03 pm
The face plant was funny, but funnier still are the comments below the video:
robbussum (1 week ago) : His jewish hat threw him of balance. That jerkoff made sure his hat was okay before he picked up his face.
Swimcutiex3 (3 days ago) : its called a Yamica
Note to Swimcutiex3: Your credibility is severely diminished when you correct someone but spell the word wrong. Please be advised that accepted spellings would include yarmulka or yarmelke, but not Yamica. Thanks for playing.
Jenn said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Also, how do you find a jewish kid doing a face plant funny, yet fail to see the hilarity of Jackass?
Jim said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I enjoyed the movie. Although, it may have been due to the fact that the word “Transformers” instantly reduces me to the age of ten.
I can’t wait to see G.I. Joe. Where’s my Trapper Keeper? Who am I?
Gary said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:25 pm
In Jackass those guys are doing it to themselves on purpose. Mistakes are funnier.
Dayv said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:47 pm
LOL @ Jim.
I still remember getting ready to enter 5th grade and explaining to my mom and grandmother that a 3 ring binder just wasn’t the same as a TrapperKeeper.
“… And ‘knowing’ is half the battle.”
Christy said,
July 24, 2007 at 1:58 pm
What I don’t understand about all the people that like Transformers is why they aren’t fucking outraged that out of 2.5hrs maybe 30 minutes was robots kicking the fucking hell out of each other. The movie didn’t even need a plot. If the whole movie had just been live action robot ass creaming it would have been cock rocking fantastic. Instead I have to live through watching some douche teen eyes fill with anger and betrayal when he finds that his car savvy hottie is a CRIMINAL… Like that wasn’t the most ridiculous shit ever?
michael said,
July 24, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Michael Bay is a pig dog Republican. That’s why it’s ok to knee jerk on the criminal hottie and treat all speakers of Spanish like shit.
keyser Soze said,
July 24, 2007 at 4:01 pm
well said Christy !
michael said,
July 24, 2007 at 4:03 pm
Julie, watching people fall is of the slapstick variety of humor, and I consider it the basest form of amusement in the comedy world. That’s why watching people fall badly, especially while trying to dance, never fails to cheer me up.
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Michael, on the humor scale, where is poor Timothy Treadwell? Is a guy who gets eaten by bears higher comedy than slapstick?
Oh, and I agree, Transformers is not about the plot, it’s about the action. The problem is that the action is so obscured, it’s completely unsatisfying.
michael said,
July 24, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Timothy Treadwell getting eaten by a bear is the funniest thing that’s ever happened. He fucked the Park Service.
And, actually, the original Transformers cartoon had a far more sophisticated plotline than many other daytime cartoons of the time. Certainly more sophisticated than any plots which the pig dog from hell has ever vomited onto celluloid.
Sarah said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:04 pm
The falling video compilation is the funniest thing
I have ever seen. Thank you thank you thank you. The Treaddwell guy…is he the one that made that weird documentary? Why do you say that he f’d the park service. Did they get in trouble for what he did?
Jul, you may be having the age problem with the Transformer action being too fast/anime variety for your old brain to decifer.
michael said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:09 pm
Werner Herzog actually compiled footage which Timothy Treadwell had taken in order to make the documentary about him. It’s called ‘Grizzly Man’. It’s awesome. He did fuck the park service, but I’m not telling you how. See the movie.
julieluongo said,
July 24, 2007 at 11:29 pm
Sarah, you might be right. It occurred to me that possibly the action scenes might be visible to someone younger, hipper, with better eyesight. I’ll admit…I don’t like shaky camera. I don’t want to sit in the front row at the movie theater. I am legally blind. These things probably support your theory.
Also, don’t watch the Treadwell / Herzog documentary. It’s not funny unless you have a very twisted sense of humor. The kind of twisted that thinks Don Quixote swiping at windmills is high comedy.
michael said,
July 25, 2007 at 12:20 am
Some idiot mistaking windmills for Giants and attacking them isn’t funny? Pish posh.
Jenn said,
July 25, 2007 at 7:45 am
I showed Jeff and our houseguest John the faceplant video last night, and John said the funniest thing he had ever seen on You Tube is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFHMbVzxJiA
It’s not a falling down video, but it is damn funny.
kc said,
July 25, 2007 at 9:53 am
I wish i had read this yesterday.
I watched this movie last night.
i want my two hours back.
I watched it out of loyality to the toys i loved as a child. pity.
Dooner said,
July 26, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Sadly enough, despite MANY people’s bad reviews I still find it necessary to go see this movie in the theater…loyalty is a bitch!
Michael Bay is a pig-dog and I hate every single one of his movies because they suck (I have no better word to describe them then SUCK), except “the Rock” (which is a pretty good flick). Not to be confused with the ex-wrestler whose new movie about the football player with the long lost daughter that is left at his doorstep looks AWESOME! drip…drip…drip (that’s the sarcasm!!).
Also…so I’ve heard from friends who worked on Transformers, Michael Bay is fuckin scumbag, asshole. He may be a bigger scumbag than David O. Russell. (I’m sure you’ve all seen this, but so worth watching over and over and over….and over!).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F86s4Vq59Ks
On a final note…I just got back from seeing Harry Potter. I KNOW the movie is never as good as the book, but this one was a little disappointing. There were some MAJOR details left out. Oh…and I came to the haunting reality that a 32-year old man, walking out of a movie theater, talking about Quidditch and Prefects = SUPER DORK!!
Jenn said,
July 27, 2007 at 8:20 am
Okay, if you’re a 32 year old man that feels like a dork, imagine what my 62 year old father-in-law must feel like. He tried to talk my mother in law into going to see Harry Potter on opening day because he was so excited for it.
I think he’s so excited by it because they have’t actually read the books. probably they’d be more disappointed if they did.
julieluongo said,
July 27, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Talk about Super Dorks, Dooner and I went to see one of the Harry Potter’s at midnight in one of those old-school theaters with plush seats and curtains by the huge screen. That was awesome! Especially the part with the witches and wizards roaming the aisles. We might be dorks, but we weren’t wearing capes and fake Potter glasses.
MamaPeg is Watching You said,
July 27, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I like Quidditch
Jenn said,
July 27, 2007 at 10:38 pm
You’re one step away from putting cinnamon buns in your head and dressing in a gold bikini for a Star Wars convention.