Rita: You can’t plan a day like today.
Phil: Well you can, it just takes a lot of work.
~Groundhog Day
I know that lots of people who read my blog don’t read the comments. If you do the hit and run, then you missed a much too brief comment section yesterday about “Bus Gate” starring Toothless Rita (Thanks to Spank and KooKoo). I’ll flesh it out for you.
[Disclaimer: I've made-up some of the following details for the purpose of this entry and because I'm giddy with excitement about the Adventures of Rita and when I'm giddy, I embellish.]
Toothless Rita takes the bus to her office job everyday. Rita’s name has been changed to protect the guilty … herself, that is. Yep, that’s right. Rita changed her own name, because she committed a crime with her original name. Naturally, she changed it to distance herself from her sordid past. Still, we know about her sordid past, so a fat lot of good it did. When I go clean, I’m going to change my name to Lola. Or Lolita. That’s pretty and it reeks of innocence, doesn’t it? Oh, and, regarding Rita’s crime, let’s just say she just gave a strong backhand or two where, strictly speaking, it wasn’t welcomed.
Despite the name makeover, Rita’s in another spot of trouble. But this time, Rita’s the victim. Looks like Lovely Rita was kept on the bus by the driver so he could show her some movie clips. Let me say that again, so we’re clear because it’s the crux of “Bus Gate.” Rita was kept on the bus by the bus driver who wanted to show her movie clips. Yeah, movie clips, my ass. Well, not, not my ass.
I know, this sounds weird. But imagine it. You’re a toothless swinger. Oh, sorry. I forgot to mention this about Rita, not that it matters all that much, but it’ll just draw a more complete picture. First off, the teeth were lost in a car accident. Just her back teeth tough. (Huh? you ask. So do we.) It’s just incidental that Rita and her husband are swingers. But, I think it’s interesting.
Imagine:
Before “Bus Gate,” Rita had a lovely night with her husband and a couple who, several months ago, answered their ad:
Swingers (F without backteeth) looking for sexy couples for fun times. No newbies. Must be clean and drug free. Prefer VLFFCFTSDM.
Rita was trying to have a nice memory of her evening. But like everyone else on the godforsaken bus, she fell into the habit of mentally cursing the day she had ahead of her. Work. But she had to pay the bills. If she were still in the caretaking industry, she’d have some of those bills paid off. Especially the ones to her dentist. It angered her. If only there were an easy way out of her money woes.
Lost in this swirl of thoughts, Rita makes her way to exit with the other passengers. She’s dreading stepping off the bus. Another day and too few dollars. That’s what her sweet swinging husband likes to say. Suddenly, she’s detained by the bus driver who tells her, almost as if he’s speaking in slo mo, “stay, I want to show you some movie clips.” A piece of spittle careens toward her face when he enunciates the “P” in clips. It lands on her chin and she recoils.
So shocked by the interruption of her thoughts, Rita stays on the bus. She looks into the driver’s eyes and, in that moment, Rita wants nothing more than to be in the safe haven of her office.
Once the reality of the situation settles in, it’s clear to Rita that this movie-clip business is just a ruse to keep her on the bus for some other reason. What other reason? Well, if there are two things that Rita knows, one is that she’s sexy (swinger) and the other is that people are violent toward the vulnerable (backhand). She realizes that these two facts make for a dangerous combination on the bus this tender Monday morning.
She wrestles her way off the bus. Well, really she just walked off with a backward wave telling the bus driver that she’d look at the movie clips later. But she was shaken. It was nerve wracking because the bus driver did ask her to stay, which could have meant that he was prepared to keep her there with a blow to her head or maybe just a firm grip on her upper arm. Whichever. She didn’t stick around to see.
Instead, she rushed into work, full of fresh terror.
She tells the first person she sees her tale of woe. The story is met with a shrug. Rita is annoyed by this. She embellishes the story slightly when she tells the next person she sees. She gets a bigger reaction. By the time she’s telling the police, she’s outlining just how brutishly she’d been roughhoused by the bus driver. She shows some new bruises which, strictly speaking are from the night before, but who’s checking? She’s experiencing post-traumatic stress. She can’t be held responsible for keeping track of her bruises.
And that’s just one day in the Adventures of Rita. That’s how some of your days go when you live life on the edge. One step ahead of diabolical bus drivers and one step closer to the sweet life where her past is really in the past and her future is bill and work free.
[Final Disclaimer: Any similarity to actual events or persons living, dead, or named Rita, is purely coincidental.]
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 7:03 am
i LAUGHED SO HARD WHEN I READ THIS. if only Rita wasnt the most awful trashy smelly toothless “my mother has to have her car properly alligned because she is so fat” teenage bride swinger, bus driver movie clip showee
well what can i say. I am honored to be a comentee on this fine establisment of writing.
KooKoojennipoo said,
April 13, 2007 at 7:10 am
I have no words. I think I even peed my pants a little. I am honored as well to have such a fine piece of literature written. This will be a good day. Actually, we have another fine specimen here who would make for a wonderful story if anyone chooses to take it on. It may be a lot to handle, though. I have heard her tales with my own ears. God, I wish we could post pictures on here–it would make it even more entertaining.
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 9:42 am
late breaking news. i am taking a trip to california
Matt Lesoine said,
April 13, 2007 at 9:50 am
I really like the imagry that the story possesses…
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:01 am
I don’t understand why Rita didn’t just tell him to fuck off and get off at her appointed stop. OK. Maybe I didn’t want to say “get off”.
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:04 am
yeah, and i also want to note that they teeth she has left are black…
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:23 am
Perhaps we can fill in some of the mysterious gaps in Rita’s life. I submit “Adventures of Rita: Monday Morning”:
Wake up. Take shower. Brush teef. From assortment of dollar-store thongs and stirrup pants, choose an outfit suited for pretending to work in insurance (different from pretending to work in health care). Kiss hubby on his good lip. “Accidentally” flash thong to driver while walking up bus steps. Arrive at work. Call Jerry Springer, FBI.
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:25 am
Wait. I meant, “Tuesday Morning”.
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:26 am
Tuesday Night? Turkey pot pies!
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:40 am
“I know, this sounds weird. But imagine it. You’re a toothless swinger.”
I’ll be damned if these three sentences didn’t just ruin my life forever. Gah. Nice, Luongo. Real nice.
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:47 am
elastic pants. tigger shirts. no bra. those amish looking black high top fashion boots.
green blond super permed hair with 6 inches black roots.
glasses. beady eyes. black teeth
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:48 am
rita only wears elastic waist pants
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:52 am
It’s just, you know, maybe I was trying to FORGET I was a toothless swinger. Then I come here and it’s all, “Imagine you’re a toothless swinger” this and “put yourself in Rita’s Amish shoes” that.
KooKoojennipoo said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:53 am
I am just excited about the Ratt concert tshirt I ordered. Rita has an odd odor, too. Like moldy funnel cake.
KooKoojennipoo said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:55 am
OMG!! How did we forget about how her and her hubby filed bankruptcy and then built a brand new house??
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:56 am
Glasses? What do you suppose she reads? I would guess a lot of Stephen King.
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 10:56 am
yep and even though the house is new…still smells like moldy funnel cake.
KooKoojennipoo said,
April 13, 2007 at 11:16 am
I think after lunch I will indulge in the World of Kim….
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 11:21 am
update….rita had to leave work early today…something is wrong with one of her teeth. she went to the dentist. i am assuming it will be her first visit based on the visual i get on a daily basis
Saranne Fosselman Miller said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Ratt t-shirt! LOL!
Julie, this, to date, is my favorite post ever! It is the best! More! I want more! There needs to be a book. One person per chapter. “A Day In the Life of…” or “Imagine You’re a Toothless Swinger.” Change names to protect the not-so-innocent. You are a story-teller, girl. Funny stuff.
I see that no one is fighting yet today. Heather? You wanna bring it on? Matt? You wanna take it outside? Ruckus, anyone? Show me watchu got.
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:12 pm
and yet this is my real life we are talking about. and yes, id say there are enough to warrant a chapter book.
Matt Lesoine said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:12 pm
What you wanna dance Saranne?!? I’ll take you outside and walk you like my dog. (I don’t know what that means but it can’t be good) I’m feeling pretty rammy today and you just had to go and light the fuse didn’t you??? A bit of advice; don’t be on the tracks when the train’s coming through….
KooKoojennipoo said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:23 pm
You poor souls have no idea. I think we could fill at least two books with true stories from this place. I do not have time today but on Monday, I will give you a little Kim.
spankerific said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:24 pm
” walk you like my dog.”
sounds like a sex refrence to me.
KooKoojennipoo said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:28 pm
i like it.
Saranne Fosselman Miller said,
April 13, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Oooooooooo, Matt, I’m soooooo afraid of you right now. NOT. I am the seeker of trains, babe. I am reclining on the tracks – kickin’ back – enjoying a beverage. If I’m a dog, you’re a chew toy. Squeeky, squeeky, squeek, squeek. (that’s the sound of you being mulled)
Matt Lesoine said,
April 13, 2007 at 2:21 pm
That’s good right there. I’d much rather be mulled than mauled, which incidentally is what you’re heading for straightaway. By the time I’m done there will be nothing left but a doo rag. 4 year old girls all over the planet will elect me as their king for saving them from the horrific one who refuses to take a smashed finger to the hospital. I’d be a good king though and use my powers for the forces of good. I’d make sure that every household with children would have plenty of antibacterial cream in stock…. I know you’ll need some once the beatdown is complete.
I like the Batmas-esque sound effects; you may as well have put in a few pows, bams, pops, and booms. That would at least have shown the bystanders (or shall I say witnesses) you were at least partially serious. In actuality though they can tell you not up to the challenge.
Sarah said,
April 13, 2007 at 2:23 pm
That was awesome, Jul.
Saranne said,
April 13, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Administrative note: I had originally written “mauled” but then thought of mulled cider and one thing led to another….
I might not be able to spell, but at least I can conduct triage in the comfort of my own home. Go on with your bad self, Matterific, because while your puffing up your breast feathers and shagging around town holding yourself high, I will be conducting quiet maneuvers to take you down.
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 4:40 pm
One of you had better be wearing action jeans here.
julieluongo said,
April 13, 2007 at 4:48 pm
But what about Rita? What are Rita and her husband doing this weekend? How will Rita get home from work? Will she be forced to risk riding the bus with the movie clipper?
Saranne Fosselman Miller said,
April 13, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Rita left work early for a dentist appointment, as mentioned earlier. She walked to the street corner where she waited ten minutes for the bus with a gentleman similar to age and stature of herself. He was a wearing a hat that read, “Wine ‘em, Dine ‘em, and Sixty-nine ‘em.” Rita could not contain herself. She conducted a visual head-to-toe and found herself elated at the discovery of a wedding band on the fella’s left hand.
“Do you swing?” she asked, flashing her black-tooth smile.
“Do I swing?” he responded. “Darlin’ you ain’t seen nothing ’til you’ve seen me swing.”
He penned Rita’s address and proposed time of arrival to her house on the back of his hand just before Rita climbed onto the bus.
There was no wait at the dentist’s office. Rita was called into the examination room before the front door closed behind her. A minute later, the dentist entered the room. He shut the exam room door slowly, meticulously. He turned the lock and dimmed the lights.
“Hello, Rita,” he crooned.
“Why you turn out da lights, doc?” Rita inquired.
The dentist spun a circle on his swivel stool and wheeled himself across the room where he pulled open a curtain to reveal a TV/DVD all-in-one unit built into the wall and said, “I have some movie clips I’d like you to see.”
julieluongo said,
April 13, 2007 at 5:29 pm
YAY!!! Saranne, I heart you.
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Suh-weet.
Heather said,
April 13, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Someone needs to get busy on “Rita: Friday Night.” I almost don’t want to know. But now I must.
Saranne said,
April 13, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Thanks, Jules. Wait ’til you hear where Rita is going tonight!
Ryan said,
April 15, 2007 at 1:50 am
Hey Jules, I just left you hours ago, and as promised, I have returned to your blog! This has to be your next novel..”The Adventures of Black Back Toothed Rita” Maybe this is your long awaited screenplay! Just be sure to cast me and Finney!
Saranne Fosselman Miller said,
April 15, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Julie, you just need to take all of this – Rita and all – and turn it into something. There was one Friday, I’ll have to sift through the chronicles, that I laughed at so hard and long. You don’t get this in books and movies. This is better. If you want, I’ll reference a few comment spots and you take it from there. This is excellent material.
And if you do make a movie, I don’t want to be in it, but do you think you could cast Matt Damon and then hire me as the doughnut girl or the clipboard holding girl? Thanks.
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Whoa!
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:43 pm
DOOD. Great minds! I’ve started that project; it’s 60 pages of chaos. I felt like I was poaching for a second, then I realized it’ll never actually get finished, so it’s moot. A friend of mine was talking about a screenplay that her friend sold to Disney only to be told it wasn’t going to be made, then a year later, it came out as “Haunted Mansion.” Someone had swiped her whole story and apparently, it happens all the time. She just got done suing them.
So I came to the conclusion that if Julie and I make the same movie, I will just spell mine slightly differently. Like I’ll put a ‘y’ where she uses an ‘i’. Also, mine will feature an all-black cast with the part of Julye being played by Ruby Dee. Matt Lesoyne? Ossie Davis. And in my film, there is no Rita and Matt Damon IS the doughnut girl.
Now everyone finish your screenplays by tomorrow, so we can compare notes and get a jump on our inevitably messy litigation. Also, bring me the non-fate latte I asked for before I throw this cell phone at your head. “I’d like to thank the Academy, all the little people…”
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:44 pm
NON-FAT, I meant, you cursed keyboard! Not non-fate! That is a totally different beverage!
Sissy said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Okay, I’m good. I caught “late” and even read it five times before moving on to make sure it was a typo. Whew! Thought I was losing my touch there.
However, to have written non-fate, as in not your fate, makes me worry now that you guys will not make your movies and I will not get to feed Matt Damon doughnuts. I’m not getting you your coffee until I see a signed contract on my desk in the a.m.
Back when I gave a rat’s hat….no, that came out wrong. Back when I cared about the welfare of my heart, I ran on a treadmil and to get through the final quarter of the run, I would recite my Oscar speech to myself. Some days, when I was “on,” I’d actually bring myself to tears as I acepted my Academy Award for best screenplay on the treadmil. One day, the guy next to me noticed I had tears streaming down my face.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
“No,” I said, wiping my runny nose with the back of my hand. “I have a dream.”
Har! Har! Har! I know, I am a freak. You don’t have to say it. I know it.
Sissy said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:02 pm
As you can see, I am having some technically administrative issues. You know who I am. Let’s just leave it at that.
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I’ve had a Rolling Stone interview in my head with myself for the last 20 years. No joke.
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I come out looking really great in it.
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Is that Sissy as in Urban Cowboy? Ha ha ha ha.
Sissy said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Oh, yeah? I’ve been writing that Rolling Stone peice since I was 18. Good to know who I’ve been interviewing all these years. Is it a cover story? Cause in between accepting numerous Academy Awards, I’ve been writing cover stories for Rolling Stone.
That’s Urban Cowgirl Sissy to you.
Sissy said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:32 pm
I just now realized the humor in the name Sissy in conjunction with the hat. I am so rico suave. It is not on purpose. I swear. That’s what makes it so funny!
Sissy said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Can you hear my twang from where you’re sitting?
FYI, I’m actually getting ready to watch brokeback mountain. There’s cowboy hats in that movie, right? It’s my first screening.
Sissy said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Shit. I’m sorry guys. I can’t get rid of this sissy blog that is completely empty but for a cowboy hat.
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 11:13 pm
“Broke Hack Mountain.” That’s where I live, babies. Jealous?
Heather said,
April 15, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Sissy Loves Bud, Not This Dirty Bastard. Sissy and Bud have matching license plates, for fuck’s sake. It doesn’t get any deeper than that. I seem to recall the scene where Scott Glen’s character eats a tequila worm as one of the most horrifying of my movie-watching life. That, and the guy from the Bond movies with the silver teeth, Jaws. Oy. The nightmares that guy gave me.
julieluongo said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:27 am
Moonraker! Scary dude. You know who else thought he was scary? Shooter McGavin.
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:56 am
Ha ha ha ha. Golf.
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 6:35 am
Yeahhhh she said “fo fucks sake” bwahahahahahahaahah
the stories of rita will always continue…mainly with her quitting her job because they have kicked her kids outta school because they are so bad so she is gonna homeschool.
and also i laughed hard at all of you…mainly because when accepting my oscar i will be in pj bottoms from old navy and a wife beater. the sheer irritation that will cause elates me to no end. also i will say fuck 45 times, once for every second they allow for your speech.
i often ask people…”did you know that ill be famous some day” and the reply is always the same “dont you mean infamous?” and then i sigh…because man, they just dont understand.
Matt Lesoine said,
April 16, 2007 at 10:03 am
Best part of Happy Gilmore: Shooter seeing Jaws with a t-shirt that says “Guns don’t kill people; I kill people”
Also in Urban Cowboy, Bud and Sissy have matching outfits when they first go to the prison rodeo and see Wes Hightower almost get stomped in the chute.
And the scene with the worm is paramount to the story of the film. Recall that he eats teh worm to “see visions” but never does… Epic.
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 10:07 am
You just analyzed Urban Cowboy like we watched it for film class. I have a new respect for you. Can you do “Romancing the Bone”?
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 10:12 am
LOl yeah yeah!!
but really…you guys understand that ill be famous right??
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 10:22 am
deep thought of the day…
If doctors ever tell you that you’ve “flipped out,” don’t believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me “the Man” is behind this.
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 10:30 am
You know what? The Man really gets around.
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 10:35 am
thats what im saying
Matt Lesoine said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:23 pm
I could analyze “Romancing the Bone” but that feature’s not really up there on my list. A better treatise would be on “Vengeance” starrign Serenity. There’s sort of a dual plotline where the lead character goes back in time (or has flashbacks) to 17th century New England while she sleeps. She gets accused of witchcraft and locked in jail. Meanwhile the line between reality and the flashbacks or dreams becomes more and more blurred, slowly leading her to insanity.
It really speaks volumes about the portrayal of women and their objectification during the early days of America versus their current stature in our culture. An intriging tale to say the least; definitely worth checking out. Though some viewers may find the period correct pilgrim costumes distracting, I feel that the costumes and various settings (old farmhouse, town jail, witch meeting place, etc) help convey the message of empowerment. Literally a “must see” for any women’s studies course, at least in my humble opinion.
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:36 pm
It’s porn, right? Oooh, yeah. Women’s studies classes LOVE porn.
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:44 pm
wait a minute…I am slightly intrigued that a porn has this much plot….matt is this a real movie or did you just make up a story line while the chick got it hard and fast in the jail cell….
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:45 pm
late breaking news. bunch of people dead at virginia tech due to a crazy gunman.
anyone got details?
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:50 pm
21 dead. Also, I just decided not to send my kid to college.
Matt Lesoine said,
April 16, 2007 at 12:53 pm
It IS a porn, but the plot is essentially as I’ve laid out. It’s quite good as there’s not really any of the cliches; no bad acting, cheesy sound effects, nothing like that. Check out http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408311/ for additional information.
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 1:01 pm
heather you can home school/college school my kids too. ill pay you after i fill out student loans to pay you with. im sure it will all work out. you seem to know alot of stuff.
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 1:09 pm
“Seem” being the operative word. Home-college-school? Yes. It’ll be like clown college without all the scary clowns, except on Career Day when they are invited to tell us about life in the circus and the students take an aptitude test called, “Are You Suited To Be A Clown?” Then, when they’re done, I yell at the clowns to get off my lawn.
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Or I just start shooting at them.
spankerific said,
April 16, 2007 at 1:14 pm
lol…i like that. can i sit and eat peaches and watch?
Heather said,
April 16, 2007 at 1:20 pm
And be late for your job at the Bianchi Tonk? NO WAY, LADY. Rita and I will have the home-schooling and/or clown-shooting covered.