Why should anyone steal a watch when he could steal a bicycle? ~Flann O’Brien
I’ve had a few bikes stolen from me. In fact, I’ve probably had more bikes stolen than I can remember. But, I do recall the first and the most recent.
The first stolen bike was when I was a child, and it was a crushing blow. The bike was the hand-me-down with the banana seat that I coveted for oh so long. I had it for a day before it disappeared from the porch.
My previous bike was a heavy old maroon clunker. The tire on that one blew when I was pumping it up at the gas station down the hill. It traumatized my sister Sarah. I think she still hates blowing up tires. But, if you’ve ever had a bike tire blow in your little-girl face, you’d know that it’s loud, but ultimately not that upsetting. Well, I did cry. But that was mostly because my bike tire blew and that meant I couldn’t ride that day.
The upside was that the demise of the maroon clunker, which was really an ancient rattle trap, meant that a new bike joined our family and I got the banana seat bike. And then it got stolen. Cruel fate!
We got the banana bike back. My mother, ever the super sleuth, tracked it down. I thought she was terribly clever to have recovered it. Really, she just looked on the porch of the neighborhood thugs down the street, and there it was. They’d blown the seat cushion up with a firecracker. So, when I got the coveted banana bike, the best part of it, the sleek comfy seat, was ripped and scratchy. Oh, and the ribbons on the handles were torn off so there were just little plastic nubs at the ends of the sparkly chopper-style handlebars. Bastards!
The last bike I had stolen was taken last year from the barn where I used to park my car when I had one. The bike in question was a pass-along that I took from my old roommate when we moved out of a place. There were three of us in my last apartment and we left our bikes outside. Naturally, after three years, they were pretty damaged from the snow and rain and whatnot. (And by whatnot, I mean the neighbor’s dog’s pee.) My roommate decided he wasn’t carting his rusty junker to his next place to leave out to rust some more. So, I took it. It was a nice bike. And I set it up on my bike rack in my barn. No lock. I know. I was tempting fate.
I didn’t much care because I had a nice bike of my own. And I’d even tried several times to give the bike to people I knew who would have benefited from it. However, the truth was that I used that bike a lot. My bike was locked on the porch with a u-bolt lock with a lost key. (By the way, my pal came over before Christmas and cut my bike free with a grinder. It was sparks o’plenty. Very cool.) So, I used the unlocked bike to go here and there. It was my easy access bike. And then one day it was gone. I felt a little betrayed. I’d trusted you neighbors! (I’m shaking my fist.)
After the bike got stolen, I looked for it with the accusatory menace of Pee Wee Herman in his Big Adventure. Everyone on any bike was suspect. “Hey, speed up,” I’d tell whoever happened to be driving me around. “That looks like my bike.” And then I’d get close enough to realize it wasn’t. Once, on a bike chase, I was with my mom and she asked me what color the bike was. “Um, green or purple,” I answered. She stopped following the bike and any other thereafter. The super sleuth gene might skip a generation.
Here’s the thing I decided about this bike theft. If someone who really needed a bike came and asked me for mine, I’d give it to them. So, I just pretended that was what happened. I then felt so very philanthropic. I said (in my head) “you can have this bike. Enjoy.” And then it was over. No more searching. No more betrayal. No more shifty looks at my old neighbors. Years from now I’ll be saying, “remember that purple bike I used to have? I gave it to some kid who needed wheels.” My family will roll their eyes and someone will say, “it was green, and it got stolen.” But I won’t hear because of the damage done to my eardrums when that tire popped.
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 6:16 am
I had a bike exactly like the one in your picture.
KC said,
March 30, 2007 at 8:14 am
“Years from now I’ll be saying, “remember that purple bike I used to have? I gave it to some kid who needed wheels.” My family will roll their eyes and someone will say, “it was green, and it got stolen.” But I won’t hear because of the damage done to my eardrums when that tire popped.”
you are a writer.
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 8:23 am
We have a bike in the basement you can have. I think it needs a new tire or something.
I don’t like to talk about bikes – it’s a sensitive subject. My husband drove us all over creation looking for the perfect bike and ended up dropping something like $400 on one. In the grand scheme of things, I know that’s not actually a lot of money for a bike. But if you calculate out the cost per ride on my husband’s $400 bike, it comes out to about…. ummm…. $400 per ride. He says he’s going to ride it, but it’s lived first in our living room in our apartment (we too had thug neigbors and he would not leave it in the storage locker) and now in our garage.
I have a friend who’s a bike nut. A Recumbant Bike nut. He would ride his bike to work every single day, but I think it’s something like an 8 mile ride one way and he’s nearing retirement age, so he only rides it on really nice days. He has, however, ridden it in 95 degree weather, which I think it just craziness.
But I am not a bike person. I was when I am a kid, but I am entirely too lazy (and too concerned about my hair looking funny or getting messy to wear a helmet or even drive around with the windows open) to ride a bike.
Gary said,
March 30, 2007 at 8:58 am
I wrote a thing in a college class about how my friends and I all were afraid of black kids on bikes and avoided them because each of us had had our bikes forcibly taken (two black kids on one bike equals one sad white kid). We were into BMX and had somewhat expensive bikes. Our bikes often disappeared into Newark or Irvington, where the Maplewood or South Orange cops couldn’t go look for them. My teacher (the head of the english department) warned me that my paper might be perceived as racist. Not that anyone would read it.
Anyway I’ve had about 5 bikes stolen. It sucks.
Matt Lesoine said,
March 30, 2007 at 9:13 am
It’s not racist since it’s a true story.
michael said,
March 30, 2007 at 9:55 am
That sounds familiar… Didn’t Sinead O’Conner write a song about black boys on bicycles or something?
Awesome post. What put banana bicycle seats on yer brain?… Never mind, that’s a leading question and I don’t want to be the one that drags this commentary down.
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:03 am
michael you never cease to make me laugh out loud.
“Didn’t Sinead O’Conner write a song about black boys on bicycles or something?” …maybe she did…even funnier if she did. odd that the topic of bike comes up and that is first thing on your mind
KC said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:03 am
My first bike was a banana seat huffy with the big goose neck handle bars… Whilst my brother rode around on a Diamond Back BMX. I was so incredibly jealous and my parents were in denial about my identity.
Although, my brother’s bike was stolen and mine was not. Well, not that one at least.
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:15 am
Mopeds. The black boys were on mopeds. This is eerie and freaky, as are all my encounters with Julie’s brain. Because to this day, I can’t ride a bike very well, as a result of the one I had being stolen from MY porch right when the training wheels were due to come off. I didn’t get another one until I was 10, and it was a red Schwinn 10-speed that I had no hope of maneuvering. I’m a lost bicycle cause. Syd Barrett taunts me. But this post – containing as it does crime, Pee-Wee and bananas – is my new favorite.
Gary said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:17 am
My first bike was a blue Raleigh Roll Fast – with a sparkly blue banna seat and a sissy bar – big handle bars great for sitting between. The chain guard actually said “Skoot 666″ on it (explains a lot). I think before the 80’s no one gave a shit about the number of the beast. I got my bike in 1971 or 72.
I love the infranets – I just did a seach and found a picture of the exact bike (not mine) – except in the girl’s version. I modified mine a lot over the years, but this is the original:
demon bike
here’s me on mine: ah yes the good ol’ days That was the only bike I had until I was 12. It never got stolen.
Cordelia said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:28 am
Were banana seats comfortable? I think I had one when I was little, but I don’t remember.
I don’t think I’ve ever sat on a comfortable bicycle seat. Why is it so hard to have a comfortable seat?
julieluongo said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:29 am
After nearly 10 years of teaching myself the guitar, the one song I can hammer through that is slightly recognizable is Sinead’s Balck Boys on Mopeds. It was the song I was referring to in this post:
http://julieluongo.wordpress.com/2006/11/19/why-im-hungry-for-an-apple/
julieluongo said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:30 am
Gary! Awesome picture. Nice hat!
michael said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:31 am
Black Boys on Mopeds! No wonder I couldn’t find it before. Thanks H.
I can’t believe you guys remember what bikes you had when you were young. All I remember about my early bike experiences is that I had a shitty little red rusty one, but that a neighbor boy had a badass black and yellow huffy two speed. He was a few years younger than me, so I used my more mature powers of persuasion (all verbal skills, incidentally, no fisticuffs necessary) to convince him to trade bikes with me whenever we felt like riding. Then, one year on my birthday, I received a new blue five speed huffy, all shiny and sweet and top of the line, and when my friend wanted to ride it, I knocked him over and sped away.
I just want everybody to know that regardless of how this reads, I was not a bully. Just selfish. Especially when it comes to my rides.
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:44 am
A) Julie: You are so playing that at the next Big Barn Bonanza. You know what are also super-easy? Back on the Chain Gang and Ode to Joy. You don’t even need to know chords for Ode to Joy. It’s pluckity.
B) Gary’s got all the good photos. He had parents who preserved memories with “film” as opposed to mine who preserved theirs with “their minds”. @#$%#@ hippies.
C) “Bully” is such a subjective word.
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:50 am
he eh
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 11:06 am
FYI, funny movie fans, “Blades of Glory” opened and is getting 5-star reviews. I’m all up in the ice skates tonight. I hope some of you get to see it; we might add it to the list. Then, we’ll need tokeep The List in a safe place.
Gary said,
March 30, 2007 at 11:07 am
Well I lived on my bike and they all meant a lot to me. I remember every one I had and what was cool (or not cool) about all of them. I remember the amount of begging I had to do for the expensive ones. I remember the sinking feeling after having one taken from me, never to be seen again. And then having to face my Dad. I also remember having so much fun flying through the air on those things. I miss riding my bike. Where I live now isn’t so conducive to bike riding. I hate the idea of having to put my bike in a car and then go somewhere to go riding.
The thick banana seats were pretty comfortable (to me anyway) and you could take a friend with you unlike the little apple seats. Oh and you don’t know uncomfortable until you’ve ridden a BMX bike with a tiny little plastic seat. I can’t believe I used to sit on those things.
julieluongo said,
March 30, 2007 at 11:09 am
Oh, and as for racism, making blanket statements based on anecdotal evidence is the sticky wicket here. Our biases usually are based on personal experience. However, thinking that people who look like people who abused you are bad is a mistake. Confront it. I just did it with furniture sales people and I feel better for it.
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 11:13 am
Furniture sales people should not be allowed in our schools!
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 11:18 am
Good. You can come down here and confront the creepy furniture sales guy that followed us all around Raymour and Flanigan. It was so bad that we left and I was creeped out for the rest of the day.
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 11:30 am
oh you guys are crackin me up. and the gary oic is awesome.
i am very meek person when shopping, but when pressured I can make a glorious scene.
on a racial note… once when we were feeling really full of ourselves my friend makeeta (black) told our Boss that he was always on her butt because george bush dint care about black people and neither did he.
I quickly slid under my desk and slipped into a hysterical laughing coma. our boss Sean, did not see the funny in this comment and quickly walked away telling us to “grow up”
of course this is the same man who walks around all day with his zipper down. he can only half assed sexually harass us. he is too lazy to get it out and start whipping it around.
Matt Lesoine said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Thanks Spanky. That was a visual I didn’t really need on a Friday afternoon.
KC said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:06 pm
heather, youre a copycat, i sooooo already called blades of glory this weekend.
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Im sorry Matt. My bad.
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:08 pm
I would like to propose a list of bicycle related songs for a future mix CD. I do not take credit for compiling these songs, only for googling the subject and finding a good website.
The Trucks- Big Afros (self-titled) “My two favorite things in life: big Afros and riding bikes with you.”
Orbit- Bicycle Song (Libido Speedway) “What a pretty bicycle she said, I want one just like that…”
Lily Allen-LDN (Alright, Still) “Riding thru the city on my bike all day ‘cause the filth took away my license”
They Might Be Giants- Narrow Your Eyes (Apollo 18) “I get on my bike, ride down our block, ride thru the rows, thru the green lights, but when I think of all your advice, I narrow my eyes…”
Tori Amos- Pretty Good Year (Under The Pink) “Tears on the sleeve of a man, don’t wanna be a boy today. Heard the eternal footman bought himself a bike to race”
The Smiths- This Charming Man (originally 7” single) “Punctured bicycle on a hillside desolate, will Nature make a man of me yet?”
Deerhoof – Midnight Bicycle Mystery
Damien Jurado – Bicycle
Mum – Slow Bicycle
Lightning Bolt – Bizarro Bike
Clouddead – Bike, pts 1 and 2
Pink Floyd-“Bike”
The Wallflowers – “Angel on my Bike”
Ghoti Hook – “My Bike”
Luka Bloom – “The Acoustic Motorbike”
Queen – “Bicycle Race”
Leo Kottke – “Busted Bicycle”
Queen: Fat Bottom Girls: GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE! (BTW, I hate this song)
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:13 pm
Yay! Let’s all go and wear our special Team Luongo shirts! We can push Will’s box office past the 200 mark in 2 days!
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:19 pm
ok, i am up for it. will there be vodka?
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Not at the concession counter, but I’m assuming you can fill a large bag filled with Red Vines and Vodka. It’s Lazy Friday!
the amazing spank said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:26 pm
excellent
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 1:35 pm
“Red Vines + Grey Goose = CRAZY DELICIOUS!”
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Okay, i have been trying to post a list of bicycle related songs in this blog but stupid wordpress won’t let me. Momma, check your email because I lost the list. Hopefully it came through as some kind of comment.
Heather said,
March 30, 2007 at 4:15 pm
You LOST THE LIST? We’re going to have to retrain you.
julieluongo said,
March 30, 2007 at 4:33 pm
TMBG sing about bikes a lot. They also sing about wearing bicycles for hats.
Gary said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Hey Julie – do you know John Linnell’s State Songs? South Carolina is a good bicycle one.
julieluongo said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I don’t know these state songs. I want to!
Jim said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Have you ever had anything else “blow up” in your little girl face?
Sorry. I need a massage.
Bike songs are gay.
julieluongo said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Jim, you need a nice girl with a good clean aura and a love of riddles. Find her, and your troubles are over.
Gary said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:45 pm
http://www.amazon.com/State-Songs-John-Linnell/dp/B00002DDPR
Linnell is my favorite of the Johns. Flansburg can’t touch his lyrics or vocals, in my opinion.
http://www.godrex.com/aud/JohnLinnell-SouthCarolina.mp3
Linnell’s House Of Mayors is also really cool and bizzare – if you can find it. It’s out of print. I have the mp3’s of it.
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Well there’s the damn list. How about that? Jim, you’re gay. No offense to gay people.
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Also:
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Bicycle Song
Tom Waits – Broken Bicycles
And this is FRIGGIN HILARIOUS!! Lance is King – to the tune of ABBA’s Dancing Queen.
http://bicycleuniverse.info/stuff/lance-is-king.mp3
He just won the Tour de France wearing skin-tight Lycra pants
Because he pedals faster than all the other men that’s why he’s first again
There’s nobody (who) can beat that guy
He’s got big muscles in his thighs
He wears the yellow jersey and a funny little hat
When he sweats he leaves a stench
He could almost be Fre-e-e-ench
‘Cos you know that Lance is king of cy-kay-ling he wins everything
Lance is king can’t be beat when he’s pedaling
Oh Lance we love Lance it’s no joke with a baseball card in his spokes
Oh oh he kicked butt with the Postal team that’s why Lance is king
Oooh-oooh that’s why Lance is king
Oooh-oooh that’s why Lance is king
Jenn said,
March 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm
One more, because it has a line that I think Julie would like
Bicycle by Caroline, which has the line, “I can’t remember your face / But I remember your bicycle
I don’t know though. I listened to a clip of this song in itunes and it made me want to scratch my eyes out. It’s Bjork on lithium is what it is.
Gary said,
March 30, 2007 at 6:02 pm
here’s a bicycle song by a S’burg native you may know. (Yes Heather his voice is nasally)
http://www.godrex.com/aud/Matt%20Abell/Matt%20Abell%20-%20Bicycle%20Boy.mp3
Sarah said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:44 pm
omigodddddddd!!!!!!! Did my purple mountain bike get stolen? Were you going to tell me? I just said to mom that I was going to quick throw my bike in the back of the truck and she gave me a funny look so I didn’t. Was it the purple bike that was locked up with yours? Now my pretend fantasy of riding my bike to get in shape is totally blown!!!
Jim said,
March 31, 2007 at 12:21 am
Queen did a song about a bike called, “Bicycle”, and you don’t get any gayer than Queen.
I need a girl with a white and salty aura. My aura is purple – and veiny.
Oops, just as I pulled out, I went and shot too much information all over your nice sweater.
Sorry:) Obviously, I don’t care anymore. Toodles.
Gary said,
March 31, 2007 at 11:32 am
Jim is making me horny.
julieluongo said,
March 31, 2007 at 12:16 pm
The purple bike? Right, that’s yours. It’s fine. Well, last I checked it was fine. But you have like 20 bikes at your house. Maybe you should leave that purple one here, you can bring the kids to their Nana, and we can ride!
Now let’s get to the bottom of that funny look mom gave you…
kc said,
March 31, 2007 at 12:42 pm
what Jim (and michael) needs to learn is that the word “GAY” is not a derogatory term.
Just thought I’d put that out there.
Gary said,
March 31, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Gay means happy. Sometimes bad means good.
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:02 pm
I don’t believe that Gay is the word that I used…
julieluongo said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:03 pm
KC, sometimes you just have to let go of a word. I know you want to keep gay as a synonym for same-sex-oriented, but it’s got a life of its own to live. Sure, it was happy, then it was homosexual, and now it’s stupid. But there’s nothing you can do but let it go through this new developmental phase.
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Seriously. “Faggot” was once a nice innocuous bundle of sticks. What twisted freak decided that it was a derrogatory term for homosexual men (not women) we’ll never know, but I personally think it’s time to reclaim the word for tree branch rights everywhere.
faggot // n. & v.
n.
1 (usu. in pl.) Brit. a ball or roll of seasoned chopped liver etc., baked or fried.
2 (US fagot) a a bundle of sticks or twigs bound together as fuel. b a bundle of iron rods for heat treatment. c a bunch of herbs.
3 slang a Brit. derog. an unpleasant woman. b N.Amer. offens. a male homosexual.
v.tr. (faggoted, faggoting; US fagoted, fagoting)
1 bind in or make into faggots.
2 join by faggoting (see faggoting).
faggoty adj.
[Middle English from Old French fagot, of uncertain origin]
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:26 pm
I disagree. When people use the term “gay” to mean something in 2007, it never means “happy”: it always means homosexual or stupid. And I am guilty of using it to mean stupid which probably stems from junior high – for all of us – when calling your friend “queer” meant he/she was being an idiot. But that word was chosen speficially for its stigma. And I think the only reason that people use it now to connote “stupid” is that they haven’t come up with a better one. But I’m with KC. “Nigger” used to mean something else, too.
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:27 pm
I just don’t think as heterosexuals, we will ever have any idea what it’s like to have the whole of society arrayed against us, and as such, we’d be wise to just find a better word.
kc said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Julie, when you become gay, you can decide its time to let go of that word, ok? Frankly Jules, i’m a bit surprised to see you defending that, you dont strike me as the kind of person to walk around saying “thats gay!”
When I turn black, maybe i will decide its ok to use the “N” word… but i doubt it.
Not to sound like im angry, because I’m definitely not, but i really dont like it when straight people use that word like that. I am, of course, assuming that Gary is straight. Homosexuals dont generally describe things as “gay”… but i suppose there are exceptions to every rule.
No Michael, you didnt use the word gay. It was my own private joke to you. and it was done out of love. Fag is also another name for a cig. in the UK.
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Now, having said that, I want to also state that I don’t think the word should be banned from usage. Nothing would chap my ass more than to have to start calling that the “g-word”. I suppose I’m in favor of people thinking about the context in which they are using any word that has the potential to shame another, even if they can’t relate to it. Unless, of course, it’s me calling you a Nazi. Or furniture sales person.
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Maybe, instead of using the word ‘gay’ to describe something stupid, we could use the word ‘gayy’… you know, like the difference between between which and witch, two, to, & too, or gays & gaze!
That’s me, putting the homo back into homonym!
Gary said,
March 31, 2007 at 2:36 pm
This whole conversation is so atheist! (trying it out).
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Also, it’s best not to be offended when people say stupid things, you’re only giving the world the power of the word. If every time some white dude called Samuel L. Jackson a Nigger, and he was all like, “Whatever, douchebag”, the racist fun of calling Samuel L. Jackson a Nigger would quickly dissipate.
People using terms of hate are really only revealing their shallow selves, you should never allow it to affect you, because it’s not really about you.
julieluongo said,
March 31, 2007 at 2:54 pm
KC, not to sound like I’m a waffler, but I was sort-of playing devil’s advocate. I just argued the damage words can do on Michael’s blog a few posts back. It’s like this with me – I don’t use words that oppress people. [The background on this is that I was raised by people without prejudices and then trained in the PC era by lots of womym and feminist scholars.]
On the flip, I’m not about telling people what words they can and can’t use. Of course, this is because of my firm stance against censorship. However, that puts me in the neat position of being an observer of culture rather than an advocate for change. I’m ok with that. Lead by example, that’s my thing.
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 2:57 pm
What about “gavy”? It’s like “gay”, but kind of like “gravy”. And who doesn’t like gravy? It’s the best!
kc said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:01 pm
michael, quit secretly defending your lapse in judgement.
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
kc said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:04 pm
ok, i swear I’ll never bring it up again.
SWEAR!
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:06 pm
People who spend their days and nights searching for just the right words to use can’t actually say words have no power with a straight face. Ha! “Straight.”
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Heather, you’re queer.
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:08 pm
You wish.
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:10 pm
kc that was SOO uncalled for! I can’t believe you said I had a lapse in judgement. I’m offended.
michael said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:11 pm
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:22 pm
And…SCENE.
kc said,
March 31, 2007 at 9:55 pm
um, excuse me, please don’t tarnish the “queer” image.
kc said,
March 31, 2007 at 9:55 pm
sorry. had to be done. too easy.
Heather said,
March 31, 2007 at 11:37 pm
HEY! You don’t know me well enough to call me “easy”, Miss Thing! I mean, yet. Once you know me, of course, please feel free.
Christy said,
April 1, 2007 at 11:21 am
I looked into moving to New Zealand five or six years back. I was reading the paperwork and requirements. If you qualify and have a same sex partner you can apply for them to emigrate with you. On the official government documentation (for both NZ and Australia) they refer to the same sex partner as queer.
Heather said,
April 1, 2007 at 11:31 am
That is so gay.
Sarah said,
April 1, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Phew! My bike is safe. Now my fanatasy can live on. Apparently mom’s funny look was “Yeahhhhhh….you’re gonna ride your bike.” Do you really want to ride bikes again? Oh, yes let’ let’s let’s!!! We can make time for that now. But, the bike is in need of a serious tune up, so I’m getting it to Peterson’s and I should bring yours too, duh.
the amazing spank said,
April 2, 2007 at 6:51 am
i dont like the word gay, but i like the word queer. and fagot. of course when i started the job i have now and realized that 99% of the men here were actually queer, i curbed my use. the words wernt hurtful in my mind, but I am guessing they are to others. so I do not use them. and i dont use the N word either. I am scared to say it outloud. words are powerful and sometimes bad.
KC said,
April 2, 2007 at 9:01 am
spanks, im giving you permission to use the word queer, as an adj.
faggot, not so much.
the amazing spank said,
April 2, 2007 at 9:23 am
thanks. i really like the word queer and was sad to put it to rest. i dont call people queer, i refer to things ans situations as queer.
i used the word faggot on my male straight friends mainly because it irritated them so much. I am constanly amazed at how up in arms men get when you even suggest they might like a guy. and yet they are all naked in a locker room or at the gym or even high school slapping each others butts. Uh huh sure guys. wutever.
But thanks for the permission. i need that incase i say it and someone gives me the stink eye, and i can quickly assert that KC said i could use this word. and they will no doubt whip out their rainbow palmpilot, and see you listed in their directory and allw ill be well. hahahahahahah
KC said,
April 2, 2007 at 11:01 am
no you goof ball, you can call PEOPLE queer, as in:
“Hey Spanks, do you know if she id gay or not?”
“Why yes, *insert name here*, I believe she is queer.”
Calling a situation queer, and what youre really saying is that there is something you dont like about it, is making it a derogatory term. I was just saying its not the same as using “faggot” or “dyke” as a description of someone. (which i would not recommend)
the amazing spank said,
April 2, 2007 at 11:05 am
hmmmm. i think ill just keep my mouth shut.
Jenn said,
April 2, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Me too.
Heather said,
April 2, 2007 at 12:58 pm
I think The Gays are just as cool as The Colore… Huh? What? What was it I was supposed to say? Really? When did they… OK: NO ONE SENDS ME MEMOS AROUND HERE! Gah. Never mind. I meant The Lesbian-Americans.
Heather said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Or the Gavy-Lebanese. One of those.
the amazing spank said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Huh? this reminds me of the time we made fortune cookies in Home economics class. and the day we made the messages we a had a sub teacher. being the trouble makers we were, we made fortunes like “you mother sucks donkey dick” and “your mom rides bikes with no seats” and so on…adn then the next class we all got suspended because apparently (we did not know this of course) the fortune cookes were to be a suprise part of a luncheon with our moms invited.
i never told my mom. i know shed slap the shit outa me for that one.
Heather said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I was thinking about your mom when I posted those comments: just messing up words for no apparent reason.
Heather said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:08 pm
I can’t believe you’ve actually been employed making fortune cookies, though. Acme is hiring! GET ON IT!
Heather said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I’m also nominating “fortune cookie” as vaginal euphemism du jour.
the amazing spank said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:20 pm
LOL vaginal cookie….bwahahahahaha
Saranne Fosselman Miller said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Spanky, I told mom you make fun of her for screwing words up in everything she tries to say. (It’s the merlot) Then I made her watch Jackass with me and told her it was a cultural requirement while staying at my house. And after eating General Tso’s chicken she stated that the Chow Man Chicken was delicious.
Wait, am I allowed to say “screwing?” What about “Jackass?” I’m on pins and needles here! Damnit, I don’t need this kind of stress.
Heather said,
April 2, 2007 at 1:33 pm
“Chow Man Chicken.” Ba ha ha ha ha.
A Little Something I Dug Up From the Past « Sissy Things said,
June 14, 2007 at 2:11 pm
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