I am in the unfortunate position of being a crossword puzzler who has a weak religious education despite my rich and varied Sunday school experiences. The problem was that I was incredulous because my parent’s aren’t creationists. (Whew.)
While I like stories, I didn’t ever groove on the ones that tried to tell me I was going to hell. I didn’t believe in hell. It defied logic. If god was all forgiving, then why was there a need for hell? I also didn’t believe in Adam and Eve with their ribs and apples and 7 days and all of that hooey. I was like, um, what about the dinosaurs? I knew people weren’t the first ones on Earth. They were selling this stuff to me like it was truth. So, I just tuned it out. There was no convincing me then. No way.
I was a very gullible child until my sister Lisa asked me to bring the toilet out to her in the living room because she didn’t want to stop watching her show to go to the bathroom. I tried it. Arms hugged around the toilet, grunting from the force of my might, I could not lift that toilet. My mom yelled at my sister for that. But everyone thought it was really hilarious. And I learned about thinking things through. Ok, I might still be gullible.
In the long run, I probably would have been better off paying attention. There wasn’t much to occupy my mind sitting in a circle in the cold church basement. The day Kenny ate crayons was a high point. At first I was annoyed because I wanted to draw with them eventually. But I quickly changed my mind and thought it was funny because he told me what each color tasted like. I liked that he thought the purple tasted like grape. And when he smiled at me, he had purple all over his teeth. Oh, man, what a riot. I think my laughter got him busted. Sorry, Kenny.
On the slow days, I drew on the soles of my shoes. I watched to see what Joe was doing. He was my friend in regular school. I wondered if he liked my red shoes. Damn, he was paying attention. I ran my hand over the grey floor and picked at the paint. I checked out the other classes and looked for my sister. She seemed to be paying attention too. Double damn.
Ok, so there wasn’t much to pay attention to besides the teacher, but somehow I managed. Unfortunately, that choice has led to lots of crossword puzzle hardships. Apparently, I was only paying attention when the teacher said that the books of the Gospel were Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Turns out, there are a whole bunch of other books and Will Shortz knows them all.
If you’re like me, you’ll need this list, in order (I broke them out into their categories to help you retain the information. You’re welcome!):
Pentateuch:
Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy
Historical Books:
Joshua, Judges, Ruth, Samuel, Samuel, Kings, Kings, Chronicles, Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Tobit, Judith, Esther, Maccabees, Maccabees
Wisdom Books:
Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, Wisdom, Sirach
Major Prophets:
Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel
Minor Prophets:
Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habbakuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi
The Gospels: (aka. The ones I know)
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John
The History:
Acts
The Pauline Epistles:
Romans, First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Phillipians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, Second Thessalonians, Timothy, Timothy, Titus, Philemon
The General Epistles:
Hebrews, James, Peter, Peter, John, John, John, Jude
Apocalypse:
Revelation
Say them three times fast then go in peace and love to finish the puzzle. Amen.
Joe said,
February 26, 2007 at 8:47 am
How dare you accuse me of paying attention in Sunday school! Even at that young age, I had mastered the art of APPEARING as though I was paying attention, a skill that has served me well through the years and apparently fooled even one of my best friends. Truth be told, Sunday school was the first place I ever did not do my homework, at the strong urging of my older brother. I still remember him saying “What are they going to do, flunk you?” It’s probably the most sensible thing my older brother ever said to me.
All things church related were pure and total torture to me from day one. To me, the most convincing evidence that hell actually existed was the fact that for all intents and purposes, I was living in it for 2 hours every Sunday (class plus mass = proof of hell). Thank God (if you will) for folks like Kenny, the crayon eating kid with purple teeth who entertained us all. Kenny, your way to heaven has been dutifully paved.
Peg said,
February 26, 2007 at 9:17 am
Isaiah rocks like a mo-fo!!!! I love that guy…
I, too, work the crosswords and even though I could just reach over and open that Bible on my nightstand, I prefer to puzzle the answers out. I will say that I have the distinct advantage of 12 years of Catholic education and over 35 years of involvement in Catholic Church music ministry and since a lot of songs are scripturally based, and edge in the crossword world. Your list will help when the occasional stumper appears!
In any case, I worship on Saturday nights now – Sundays are for football or white-trash lounging pool-side with a margarita or cold one!
KC said,
February 26, 2007 at 10:03 am
I believe in a combonation of the two major theories…
My mother’s big move was “You’re going to hell for (insert misbehvior here).”
example: “You’re going to hell for talking to me like that.” or ” You’re going to hell for lying” or “You’re going to hell for painting the cat orange.”
ok, the last one didnt happen, but you get my point.
The sunday school i went to wasnt all fire and brimstone, although had my mother known that she probably wouldnt have made me go.
Luckily, for me, she switched religions quite fregently so none of them ever sank in as the “word of god”, so to speak.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:09 am
im pretty sure I am going to hell and i think im ok with it. the reading list you left for us looks time consuming…can i just get it on “book on cd?”
julieluongo said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:15 am
It’s not a reading list. It’s just a list of words that will help you with the inevitable crossword puzzle question that asks what book is between Jonah and Nahum.
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:23 am
I’m going to hell and everyone I ever liked will be there. (except for Heather – she gets to hang with my born again sister for all of eternity – better her than me! Praise Jesus!)
“Heaven is a place… where nothing ever happens…”
Seriously though, telling a child that they’re going to burn in hell is abuse, in my opinion.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:30 am
praise jesus.hahahahahahahahahh
sorry about my confusion..but my religious knowlegde ends with jesus and a possible rebirth in which i get a long weed to carry around. and also jewish people alledigly killed him. but that was from mel gibson.
other than that i am pretty sure that these little jesus stories were just made by man to make man feel better about what they did not understand.
now i just watch re runs of threes company and i feel pretty secure about how the world turns. hahahahahahah kidding. regal beagle baby
julieluongo said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:38 am
Gary, do you think they show Tom and Jerry cartoon in hell? That smug professor with his theories made me remember why I didn’t like college.
I know, I’m commenting on your blog on my blog, which is bad commenting form. But I’m unable to comment on your blog. Sometimes I’m inspired to try again…and then I get frustrated and just lift your findings and spread them around like I found them myself.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:47 am
im confused.
julieluongo said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:51 am
Gary has a blog I can’t comment on so I comment here just for him.
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 12:03 pm
why can’t you comment? because you have to sign up? I have a big spam problem so I have to have people join. It’s ok though. I rarely get comments anyway. Mike’s nice and he throws me a bone one in a while so I don’t feel too lonely.
actually I think hell is very much like Tom and Jerry – you can get wacked forever by frying pans and get grinded up and smashed up, mushed, mutilated etc… and you always are fine a few seconds later – so you can do it all again over and over forever. Actually my idea of hell is like Seinfeld – I love that show but damn that is like the hell world. Maybe hell is seinfeld and larry david and Tom and Jerry.
julieluongo said,
February 26, 2007 at 12:30 pm
I’d been trying to sign in with my Word Press info. I didn’t realize … oh, forget it. It’s all fixed. And now I can backtrack and comment on the sliding cars…the fight on Al Jazeera…Havidol…hip thrusting jazz girls.
julieluongo said,
February 26, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Joe, sometimes you were paying attention. I remember the teacher asking me what Christmas was all about. I said, “Santa comes.” She gave me a look that said, “you are the spawn of consumerist dogs.” Then she asked you, and you told her something about Jesus being born. I was pretty ashamed that I forgot all about the nativity tableau on the front table and went straight to the gift giver.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 12:43 pm
he he. maybe we can blog in hell too
messiestobjects said,
February 26, 2007 at 1:15 pm
How dare all of you. Jesus Is Coming, Praise God!
…and boy is she pissed.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 1:32 pm
he he, ill bet!
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 1:37 pm
yeah I’m using wordpress – but not this free blogging thing that you’re using. I have my own domain(s) and I installed the blogging software. It’s mainly for learning reasons, and because I like to have control over my website. Anyway – welcome to MY hell.
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 1:37 pm
would someone hand Jesus a towel please?
Jenn said,
February 26, 2007 at 1:42 pm
I am planning on repenting at the very last second. Although, I ate a ham sandwich on a Friday during Lent when I was a child, so I am pretty sure my reservation in hell has been set since then.
Momma, if you need bible help, I can hook you up with the Christians.
Jenn said,
February 26, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I tried the toilet thing on my sister once. She fell for it too. It’s great being the oldest sometimes.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 2:04 pm
I like the idea of repenting at the very last second…However i could not and will not be able to muster up enough “im sorry and ill be better” to want to deal with all the goodie no fun’s in heaven. i bet they let you smoke in hell and hey, no need to get a lighter…there is fire everywhere apparently.
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Well I think sincerity counts so…
What I don’t get is why the time limit on the forgiveness. I mean say I’m totally wrong about everything (yeah it’s a stretch but bear with me) and I die and start heading down the tunnel. Why can’t I be forgiven at that point? God’s gonna be like “too late pal – you screwed up and rules are rules?” You can screw up every way possible but it’s never too late when you’re alive, but after you’re dead you can’t take this new info and have a change of heart? That seems bogus to me. I can’t help being how I am so I’m punished for it? It’s hard to just believe something you don’t believe. It’s not a light switch you can just turn on. If you don’t feel it you don’t feel it. But what about the idea that God knows everything that’s going to happen – everything I’ll ever do. So basically I’m doomed right from the start. Everything is predetermined? Jeez I’m depressing myself a lot today. I better go do some laundry.
Jen said,
February 26, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I grew up in an “interfaith” family, and am raising one of my own now. And I am here to say that I have virtually no respect for any organized religion that I have ever come accross. Now the people who are caught up in their religion of birth, or choice I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards. And I do honestly understand the draw of religion. But come on. All these “rules” of all these religions started out as nothing more than social controls. Blah blah blah – and anyway, I get the feeling that saying this here is kinda like preaching to the choir…..
So what I really wanted to say is that while I do not believe in any one particular way of viewing some sort of ” higher power” (for lack of a better term), I still think that there is something more than just the biological cycle of life. Why else would we as a species care about art in all it’s varied forms, and literature, and natural beauty? What biological purpose do those things, and many other things that affect our emotions and senses have? I understand thinking other people are strong and attractive – continuing the species with the best and brightest and all that… but to be compelled to stand and stare in open-mouthed awe at the beauty of a sunset? To gasp, and have your world turned upside down just by seeing a piece of art? etc…
I just can’t believe that it’s all a random biological accident that brought us here……
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 3:08 pm
why cant we all just do the next right thing. treat each other well. it could be enough. but we will never know.
jen, i dont by randomness either…but at the same time i cant wrap my head around the other possibility of it all. i also get very upset and teary when i have dejavou…it happens alot and many of the same things. scarey for me. all matrix-y for me with out the leather suits of course.
anyway i am content with ignorance for now because the real deal would blow my head right off.
Saranne Fosselman said,
February 26, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Gary, I’ve been to hell and I’m here to report that you can indeed play the “sorry” card in the tunnel. I came back, didn’t I?
I eat meat on Fridays during Lent. In fact, I served up a big, fat London broil for Good Friday dinner last year. I am Catholic, and my poor kids, who attend Catholic school will be scarred for life over my renegade view of religion. The rules that Jen speaks of are absurd. How is not eating meat going to get me closer to God? If I’m wrong, I will dust off that “sorry” card for my second trip down the tunnel when my time comes.
Gary, do you have kids? I find it quite effective to tell my Catholic educated children that they are going to hell for misbehavior. Also, hissing “Jesus is watching you,” at them in public is a useful tool. And not a lie, as apposed to the “Santa is watching you” line. Also, Santa only keeps a watchful eye once a year. Jesus is 24/7, 365.
My eight-year-old has informed me that when her first penance rolls around she’s going to inform the priest that she tells her mother all her sins and therefore has nothing to report at the time. I condone this. Again, the rules drive me nuts. Live day to day, don’t kill anyone, don’t kill yourself, apologize for being pompus and say a prayer for the dead.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 3:42 pm
i am confused about why i would want to give jesus my money in the form of a church donation? did he ask us for money? i really dont get it.
messiestobjects said,
February 26, 2007 at 3:56 pm
The utter randomness of the Universe IS it’s beauty and is what saves it from nonsense… we can appreciate the beauty of a sunset, because evolving into this world, we’ve convinced ourselves that the Earth rotating on it’s axis once every 24 hours, and the North to South line between light and dark that resultingly moves constantly across it’s surface causing the illusion that the sun moves up from the east and down into the west is a beautiful thing, when ultimately, planets around suns all throughout the Universe do this all the time. It’s common. But, that’s what makes it awesome. It’s huge, it’s random, and we are bacteria trying to understand the inside of somebody’s fingernails.
God is an explanation created by men for people that need a nice, pat little answer that they don’t have to think too much about. It’s for those who fear the unknown.
messiestobjects said,
February 26, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Church donations are for the church. To Pay the electricity bill and keep the preist in nice white collars.
Jesus, a very wise man if he in fact existed, wanted people to tithe because the act of giving itself is good for the soul, and good for the hungry that receive it. The Church preys on this wholesome instinct in good people to remodel the Church foyer and so the choir master can get his oil changed.
spanky said,
February 26, 2007 at 4:11 pm
yeah for Messie!!! Messie for president
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 4:45 pm
“Gary, do you have kids? I find it quite effective to tell my Catholic educated children that they are going to hell for misbehavior.”
Yes I have a son and I hope I have the restraint to never resort to this.
Jenn said,
February 26, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Sometimes, I can get my heathen husband to behave when I say, “Stop it. You’re making the Baby Jesus cry.” Okay, well he doesn’t really behave, but it does make us both laugh.
Jen said,
February 26, 2007 at 5:24 pm
My husband and I usually refer to the idea of a “higher power” as “Bob” because it cracks us up. As in “Merry Bobmas”, or “Oh thank Bob!”, or my personal favorite “What would Bob do?”. We were really really upset to discover that there is already a whole “Church of Bob” thing on the internet. I hate when I think of something that really amuses me only to discover that someone else already thought of it, and now I just look like a stupid copy-cat.
http://f.a.c.t.s.tripod.com/HomeChurch.htm
Jen said,
February 26, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Once when I was working for an Arts Education group we walked in to a 2nd grade classroom in a Catholic school near Easter time and saw a beautiful “stained glass” project (you know, tissue paper, elmers glue and construction paper…) hanging on the windows. So I walked over to look at them more closely, and each child had painstakingly printed out the words “I am a sinner” and written their names. SECOND graders. I cried.
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Whoa wait just a minute. The Church of Bob? That’s a rip off of The Church Of The SubGenius. And a lame rip off at that. I’m a subgenius minister, btw:
http://www.godrex.com/?p=212
http://www.subgenius.com – - the real church of JR. “Bob” Dobbs – eternal salvation or TRIPLE your money back!
Jen said,
February 26, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Now see – isn’t that just pathetic? Here I was feeling all proud of how funny DH and I are, and then I realize that we aren’t at all original, and now to make it worse,even the Church of Bob site I found turns out to be a copy-cat!! I just can’t win for trying!
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 7:08 pm
You’re probably a subgenius and don’t even know it. The SubGenius religion is not faith based. It’s FACE based! This face!
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f7/Bobdobbs.jpg
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 7:16 pm
“Sometimes, I can get my heathen husband to behave when I say, “Stop it. You’re making the Baby Jesus cry.” ”
One of my favorite things to say in an exasperated voice is “Oh my lord jesus christ, who can take you!!”
try it sometime – it’s fun
Saranne Fosselman said,
February 26, 2007 at 10:43 pm
Gary:
For the record, I don’t tell my kids they’re going to hell. If I did, they would lecture me for an hour concerning the use of the “H” word. I do however use the “Jesus is watching you,” threat.
I’m not a mean mommy. Just a mean girl.
Gary said,
February 26, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Well I just take that as a given. girl = mean.
spanky said,
February 27, 2007 at 6:26 am
wow. Gary. mean? I guess so. gary=scarity cat.
Jenn said,
February 28, 2007 at 1:22 pm
I’m a mean girl and proud of it. Although I have been mellowing in my old age. I’m not quite as mean as I used to be, but then again, a whole lot of toxicity has drained out of my life so…..
spanky said,
February 28, 2007 at 1:28 pm
I am mean for no good reason. i hold my anger at the world for ransom and no one is paying up. so i make them suffer.