If you’re looking to be absolved or baptised or married, I’m your girl. I was in a bar tonight, happily cracking wise and telling stories about people I think are crazy and such when it came up that I should be a minister. Why not? So, my pal signed me up. And now I can make your life better in so many legally binding ways. Join me in celebrating my new title. Here’s the info sent confirming my position as Reverend:
WELCOME to the UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH MONASTERY
Reverend
Julie Alice Luongo
Congratulations! You are now a legally ordained minister for life, though you may relinquish your credentials at any time. YOU HAVE BECOME A MEMBER OF THE PRESTIGIOUS CLERGY. You have earned a title worthy of admiration and respect.
Let it be known on this date that in accordance with the laws of the Universal Life Church Monastery, as ordaining officer, I, Brother Martin, do ordain you into our ministry. From this day forward, you are entitled to all of the rights of an ordained minister. You have the authority to perform marriages, baptisms, and all other ceremonies of the church. You are an independent minister of this church. This is a position that carries with it a burden of responsibility; please respect others and comply with the laws of the land.
Your ordination record will be filed at our headquarters, 1425 Broadway #67, Seattle, WA 98122. These records can be accessed by contacting the church at the above address, by fax: 206-285-7888, or at webmaster@themonastery.org.
Sincerely,
Brother Martin
Relinquish my credentials? Fat chance.
So, it’s legal. You want me to marry you? I’m there. I love banquet food. Forget that I’m bastard according to the Catholic church. I’ll do it because it’s my calling. Plus, surprisingly enough, I know at least 5 couples who are pretty happy and well suited for each other. So, I might even believe in happily ever after.
Heather said,
January 31, 2007 at 10:35 am
I got ordained through ULC six years ago. I haven’t ever had the occasion to use it. You need to check the fine print, though: you are still not allowed to perform circumcisions. Sorry.
Heather said,
January 31, 2007 at 11:20 am
Courtney Love is also ordained through them. So you can tell it’s hella deep.
Gary said,
January 31, 2007 at 6:33 pm
http://www.godrex.com/?page_id=223
I’m not a ULC minister though… just cleansed. I also have The Divine Excuse (in writing) – so I’m pretty much bullet-proof.
julieluongo said,
January 31, 2007 at 11:53 pm
Impressive. I’ll answer back with Last Rites. Yep. Got those.
Christy said,
February 1, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Everyone is ordained through them. They have 20 million registered ministers – so they claim.
julieluongo said,
February 1, 2007 at 5:51 pm
And if 20 million people have done it, it must be a good idea.
Heather said,
February 2, 2007 at 3:03 am
Oooh. It’s like a detective game: Spot the Minister. My landlord could be one! My tax man! Hey, my boss could be ordained! I should walk into her office in the morning, kneel down at her desk and wait for absolution. That’ll be perfect. She’ll be all, “How’d you guess I was ordained?” And I’ll be all, “It was just a feeling I had. Now absolve me. From work.” Wish me luck!
Minister said,
November 21, 2008 at 2:57 pm
If you are interested in free online ordinations you should also check out
http://spiritualhumanism.org/ordination.php
http://spiritualhumanism.org/ordained.php