Call Me The Rev

January 31, 2007 at 2:04 am (About Me, Art, Freedom, Friends)

The Reverend Robert Walker Skating on Duddingston Loch

If you’re looking to be absolved or baptised or married, I’m your girl. I was in a bar tonight, happily cracking wise and telling stories about people I think are crazy and such when it came up that I should be a minister. Why not? So, my pal signed me up. And now I can make your life better in so many legally binding ways. Join me in celebrating my new title. Here’s the info sent confirming my position as Reverend:

WELCOME to the UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH MONASTERY

Reverend
Julie Alice Luongo

Congratulations! You are now a legally ordained minister for life, though you may relinquish your credentials at any time. YOU HAVE BECOME A MEMBER OF THE PRESTIGIOUS CLERGY. You have earned a title worthy of admiration and respect.

Let it be known on this date that in accordance with the laws of the Universal Life Church Monastery, as ordaining officer, I, Brother Martin, do ordain you into our ministry. From this day forward, you are entitled to all of the rights of an ordained minister. You have the authority to perform marriages, baptisms, and all other ceremonies of the church. You are an independent minister of this church. This is a position that carries with it a burden of responsibility; please respect others and comply with the laws of the land.

Your ordination record will be filed at our headquarters, 1425 Broadway #67, Seattle, WA 98122. These records can be accessed by contacting the church at the above address, by fax: 206-285-7888, or at webmaster@themonastery.org.

Sincerely,

Brother Martin

Relinquish my credentials? Fat chance.

So, it’s legal. You want me to marry you? I’m there. I love banquet food. Forget that I’m bastard according to the Catholic church. I’ll do it because it’s my calling. Plus, surprisingly enough, I know at least 5 couples who are pretty happy and well suited for each other. So, I might even believe in happily ever after.

8 Comments

You’re Cool, Baby Jool

January 30, 2007 at 2:14 am (Art, Distractions)
Tags: ,

This is by Matt Sewell.

Note to Self: I can write a note to myself to be delivered at a later date using the FutureMe service. It’s a website that allows you to write yourself an email and send it to yourself on the date you, yourself, determine. The people who started it said they want to help people improve memory accuracy. They contend, and I would agree, that memories are less accurate than emails. Although, maybe your sanitized memories are better than reality. Who would know without FutureMe…or a journal from every stage of your embarrassing youth?

The FutureMe guys are also making a book out of the most interesting letters, so if you think you’re really clever (and I’m sure you are) by all means email yourself. You just might get recognized for it. I suspect they wouldn’t pick my email since it would probably just read, “Baby Julie, you look great today.”

One of the “What?” Q&As on the FutureMe site reads:

is this all a front by some corporation to collect e-mail addresses for spamming purposes?

no, your email address is kept strictly confidential and will ONLY be used for the purpose of you sending an email to your future self. so relax. and maybe remind your future self to relax as well.

Yes, I think I’ll go and remind my future self to relax. But it might cut into my relaxation time now. What to do? Wait, now I’m worrying about it, and I should be relaxing. What if I do this in the future? I’ll email myself a warning. But what if I don’t worry in the future? Then I’ve wasted valuable relaxation time now emailing myself a useless command. I wish the past me had emailed the future me what I should do.

In other news of high tech message delivery, I mistakenly sent a text message meant for one to a number of people in my recent cell phone text log. Good thing it didn’t carry profanities or a some shameful secret. You might wonder how this could happen. Well, I have a “select all” button, which was probably meant to save mass texters tons of time. It turned out to be something of a time wasting device for me as it caused a chain reaction of “huhs?”

I said: “What?”

They said: “You texted me.”

I wrote: “Nuh-uh.”

You get the picture. I eventually said: “Oh, I see what I did. Sorry.”

All of these communication improvements could lead to increased miscommunications in the hands of a girl who might like to have an adult beverage or two on a weekend night. Don’t get me wrong, I dig improvements in technology. I like to reach out and touch people. I might even reach out and touch myself with FutureMe. But I don’t want more ways to reach out and touch people inappropriately. I might email myself a note about it. Then again, maybe I should just relax.

[*The art is by Matt Sewell. Good stuff.]

11 Comments

An Open Letter to Rob Thomas

January 29, 2007 at 1:34 am (Art, Celebrities, Entertainment)
Tags:

“Cat Begging” by Winsen A., Oak Harbor High School, Oak Harbor SD

While playing backgammon and listening to some music tonight, I learned a couple things. Tom Petty and John Popper both had CDs out in 2006. (And I don’t have them!) REM still makes me happy. Radio Free Europe, indeed. And Rob Thomas don’t wanna be lonely no more. Well, Rob, you’re in luck, because I have some advice for you.

I’m going to address Rob directly. Listen in if you too don’t want to be lonely no more:

RT: “Now it seems to me that you know just what to say. Words are only words. Can you show me something else?”

JL: Fair enough, Rob. What do you have in mind?

RT: “Can you swear to me that you’ll always be this way?”

JL: Here’s your first problem. You want someone to swear she’ll always be the same? She’s not an android. People change, brother. You might want to consider that or move yourself to Stepford.

RT: “Show me how you feel. More than ever, baby.”

JL: That’s fine. I’ve got you. All talk, no action. That’s no fun.

RT: “I don’t wanna be lonely no more.”

JL: Get a hobby.

RT: “I don’t wanna have to pay for this.”

JL: Yeah, well, you’re out of luck on that one. There’s a price for everything.

RT: “I don’t want another lover at my door. It’s just another heartache on my list.”

JL: Ok, let me get this straight. You don’t want to date someone else because that might not work out? So, you’d like the woman you have, but only if she starts putting out and promises to never change. That seems healthy.

RT: “I don’t wanna be angry no more.”

JL: Let me guess, she’s the one who makes you angry. Sometimes she even makes you hit her.

RT: “You know I could never stand for this. So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure. I don’t want to be lonely anymore.”

JL: That might be a little too much pressure. I don’t know this poor woman you’re badgering, but telling her to tell you that she loves you…when she’s ready…and then telling her that you’re waiting because you don’t want to be lonely might not be the best approach.

RT: “Now its hard for me with my heart still on the mend.”

JL: Ugh. Don’t be that guy. “I’ve been hurt before, waa, waa.” Show some confidence. Women prefer that.

RT: “Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends.”

JL: Noooo. You did not say that. Give the woman some space.

RT: “And you sing to me and it’s harmony. Girl, what you do to me is everything. Make me say anything; just to get you back again.”

JL: You’ll say anything to get her back, eh? How about you tell her something nice that you like about her. Ease up on the guilt trip. I’m pretty sure no one responds well to that.

RT: “Why can we just try?”

JL: My guess is that it’s because you’re kind-of a jerk.

RT: “I don’t wanna be lonely no more.”

JL: This isn’t really something you need to articulate. Pretty much no one desires loneliness.

RT: “I don’t wanna have to pay for this. I don’t want another lover at my door. Is just another heartache on my list.”

JL: You might be happier with someone else. I suspect you’re not using your best judgement in choosing a partner. You shouldn’t just be trying to avoid heartache. Aim higher.

RT: “I don’t wanna be angry no more. You know I could never stand for this. So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure. I don’t want to be lonely anymore.”

JL: Try anger management.

RT: “What if I was good to you?”

JL: Then you probably wouldn’t be in this situation.

RT: “What if you were good to me?”

JL: Just worry about yourself, Rob. Clearly you’re the one with the anger management problem.

RT: “What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me?”

JL: That might be considered unlawful detention.

RT: “What if it was paradise?”

JL: This is good. Go with the paradise angle. Take her on vacation.

RT: “What if we were symphonies?”

JL: No. Don’t get off track. We’re on paradise, remember. A little adventure. Lots of vacation nookie. That’s good.

RT: “What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you?”

JL: Is it so hard to just stand beside her? Is she a freedom fighter? Is she asking you to give up your career and take down an oppressive dictator? I doubt it. You can probably find a way to stand beside her without giving up your life.

RT: “I don’t wanna be lonely no more…”

JL: Yeah, and you might want to quit whining about that. Be a cool cat, not a begging cat. It might just be the root of your problem. Good luck. And you’re welcome!

[The art is "Cat Begging" by Winsen A., from Oak Harbor High School, Oak Harbor SD. Love it!]

7 Comments

Pop Art Life

January 28, 2007 at 3:00 am (Art, Freedom)
Tags:

“The one important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one’s work seriously and taking one’s self seriously. The first is imperative, the second is disastrous.” – Margot Fonteyn

Richard Hamilton “Just What Is It That Makes Today’s Home So Different, So Appealing?” 1956, Collage

And while you’re trying not to take yourself so seriously, you might also want to take a cue from Richard Hamilton (the artist who made the collage above) and look at your “American dream.” It’s probably got a touch of the ridiculous in it. Go ahead, laugh at your quest to look like Charles Atlas.

7 Comments

I Can’t Believe Lots of Things

January 25, 2007 at 6:56 pm (Comics, Entertainment, Food, Friends)

Mr. Toast, by Dan Goodsell

I have an I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter rip off called Tastes Like Butter. I Can’t Believe it Exists. I Can’t Believe I Bought it. I tried it today. With the first bite of my little slathered slice of multi-grain bread I could hear ad copy saying, tastes like real creamery butter…and…chemicals. I added that last part. Have these people ever tasted butter?

I hate that ad copy anyway. Real creamery butter, you say? Is that different from real butter that’s made in a butter factory? I Can’t Believe How Much I now Dislike the Word Butter.

In other news, I’m 4 episodes and the pilot into season 1 of Beverly Hills 90201, which I watched back in the day when it was on television. It was a birthday gift (thanks, Jenn!). I was pretty excited to see my old pals from West Beverly High. However…I Can’t Believe I Like This Show. The episodes I’ve watched so far are full of plot holes and dropped treads. Oh, and the acting. What an abomination. I always wondered why so few of the actors from 90210 went on to do anything else.

What else? I Can’t Believe They Didn’t Include the Pagans on this interactive map on the spread of religion (go watch, it’s only 90 seconds long).

[I Can Believe that Dan Goodsell is Mr. Toast's artist. Good stuff.]

8 Comments

Bang, Bang. I am the Warrior

January 24, 2007 at 6:49 pm (About Me, Distractions, Quizzes)
Tags:

Quiz time! Go ahead, know thyself.

My Inner Hero – Warrior!

I'm a Warrior!
I’m courageous, straightforward, and charismatic. I’m a born leader, but I’m also not afraid to face danger on my own. Nothing stands between me and victory… nothing that lives to tell the tale, anyway. If you need someone to charge into battle for you, call on me.

How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero.

And, to flip that coin, I also took the supervillian test. Turns out, I’m pretty tough. I think my evil side might win in this pairing. Just look at Apocalypse! My Warrior is probably not charging into battle against him. She prefers calculated risks.

Your results:
You are Apocalypse

Apocalypse
79%
Dr. Doom
78%
Catwoman
77%
Poison Ivy
76%
Magneto
72%
Juggernaut
69%
Dark Phoenix
67%
Two-Face
61%
The Joker
58%
Mystique
57%
Lex Luthor
55%
Venom
55%
Riddler
46%
Kingpin
45%
Mr. Freeze
42%
Green Goblin
37%
You believe in survival of the fittest and you believe that you are the fittest.


Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

12 Comments

We’re All Connected, Yo

January 23, 2007 at 12:48 am (Books, The Hard Way)
Tags: ,

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.” -Oriah Mountain Dreamer

we’re all connected by telephone wire

My purse was stolen last night and the thief used my gas card three times. So, I guess some of us are more connected than others. I wonder if the thief thought my driver’s license picture was cute. It was. I did my hair that day.

I read in The Tipping Point (by Malcolm Gladwell, which, if you haven’t read it, drop what you’re reading and pick this up immediately) that we’re divided from everyone in the world not by 6 degrees of separation but by 4.5 degrees. And that leads me to my point. I need blurbs for my book. Here’s the thing with blurbs…they have to be by authors or someone of note. I do appreciate all of the offers from my friends who said they’d read and quote. You’d better, on Amazon after it comes out. But, one step at a time.

So, let’s get on this project. Ask a few people and ask them to ask a few people. We can do this! There are only 4.5 people we need to link through to hook this up. I wonder if the .5 person is going to be the sticky wicket.

This is what I dare to dream. This is my heart’s longing. And I need an assist. Thanks!

6 Comments

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

January 21, 2007 at 2:32 pm (About Me, Freedom, Friends, Travel)

Elephants in Zambia

My cousin went on a safari in Zambia and his tales have ignited my wanderlust. Apparently Zambia is the place to go. I’ve wanted to go on a safari ever since I was in middle school and picked Kenya as my country to report on for Social Studies. My intense interest was renewed after college when I lived with a Kenyan who used to take people on safari. Once an elephant charged him, but not for long. They’re not really dedicated to the charge. Elephants can pretty much just fake it and scare people.

Here’s the thing. All of my generous travel partners are gone. They’ve coupled up or babied up or are just done with their wayward ways. But I need some travel! You might wonder why I don’t just pick up and go. Hello? I’m a writer. This is not the land of milk and honey. It’s the land of late nights with words and long days ignoring bill collectors.

But, here’t the deal, I’m a great travel partner. Ask anyone who’s sponsored me. (I have a long list of references available upon request.) I go with the flow. I’m a great navigator. I know some sneaky travel tricks. I’m creative and adventuresome. I’ll eat anything and go anywhere. I’m easy with the locals and when in Rome I do as the Romans. I know fun card games and I’m not a chatterbox. I don’t get sick or cranky.

Well, that one time I got stung by a…well, I’m not sure what it was, but it was wasp-like, and I had a weird reaction to it. It flew up my pants and stung my leg while I was on a toilet in a castle-hotel in Ireland where we had stayed the night before. We were on our way out and I was making a last pit-stop in the lobby. I weaved out of the bathroom to the front desk, swelling and woozy, and explained that I’d been stung and felt weird. The people in the hotel were like, “ok, well, buh-bye.” Uh, could I have some ice and maybe an aspirin? And suppose you think about putting some screens on your windows. Sheesh.

That was a fun trip. Oh, how I miss the travel. My passport has been expired for 2 years now! Help.

5 Comments

No Small Parts Only Character Actors

January 19, 2007 at 1:29 am (Celebrities, Friends, Lindsay Lohan, Movies, You Tubes)

The other day my friend said he’s not ashamed to admit he follows the career of Jeffrey Tambor. Tambor is a character actor of some note. Think: Larry Sanders’ sidekick, Matt Dillon’s friend in There’s Something about Mary, the father on Arrested Development.

Jeffrey Tambor is a prisoner of his look

And that’s how it is with the character actor. Don’t we just love them? You’re really better off being a character actor if you go into acting for the love. Everyone appreciates a good bit player. But when actors get to big for their britches, which means that they’re A-list famous, we just have to knock them down a peg. Don’t we?

For example, isn’t Brad Pitt looking old? Yo.

Oh, poor Brad.

That dude turned the corner. And how about Lindsay Lohan? She’s in rehab. Who’s surprised? Who else is big now? It doesn’t matter. Pick anyone. Michael Douglas. He’s too old for Catherine Zeta-Jones. She’s pretty, but dang, that America’s Sweethearts, what a train wreck. Julia Roberts was in that. She sure can ruin a good movie. They keep putting her with Richard Gere, who needs a strong lead to pull off his roles. That movie he did with Winona Ryder is unwatchable. She also really mucked up Mr. Deeds. You know what I mean, right?

Now, let’s look at the above paragraph from a character actor perspective. America’s Sweethearts had Hank Azaria in it. He’s great. He absolutely made The Birdcage as Agador. And Julia Roberts might be a one trick pony, but Joan Cusack was in Runaway Bride with her and she’s always good. Even in 16 Candles where all she does is wear braces and try to drink from a water fountain. And despite Winona, Mr. Deeds had some high points because of John Turturro and Steve Buscemi. They’re great in everything they do. Buscemi was in Fargo with William H. Macy, and you’ve gotta love that guy.

Turturro in The Big Lebowski

See what I mean? The A-list might get the glory, but the character actors get the praise.

Patrick Warburton is my guy because I love animated shows and Warburton is a huge voice talent. You’d probably know him as David Puddy in Seinfeld, Joe Swanson in Family Guy, The Tick, the cop in Big Trouble, the guy who hit Tim Allen in Joe Somebody. Ok, you probably didn’t see that movie. I don’t blame you. Jim Belushi is in that and apparently he’s s jerk. David Cross hates him. I’ll post the funny YouTube where David Cross is making fun of Jim Belushi by getting on stage during one of his shows and dancing like a dork. There are a lot of stories about why they’re feuding ranging from differences in politics, comedy club heckling, and general ego posturing. I hardly care. I just think it’s funny.

In case you don’t know who he is, which means you never watched Mr. Show, which means I weep for you, here’s a picture of Cross, so you know who to look for when you watch the YouTube, which you should watch at least twice because it’s sneaky.

Mr. Show! More Mr. Show!

Back to Patrick Warburton. I started writing this blog and then stopped to hang out with my pal. We were watching some heinous MTV show. She likes them and I like her, so I watch heinous MTV shows occasionally. During the commercials there was a promo for a new sitcom with Patrick Warburton and David Spade. How could this go wrong? David Spade is always funny. Well, except for Dickie Roberts, which is so bad I have a hard time watching it over and over. And that movie with the super model and the dog, Lost and Found, that was dumb. But his talk show was funny if you could get past the stilted, awkward moments. And Joe Dirt was fabulous! So…Rules of Engagement, his new sitcom, I’ll give it a shot.

Patrick Warburton has a great voice

And as for David Cross, I’ll see anything he’s in. Especially this YouTube.

The first comment on the YouTube site under this clip explains the feud thusly (by Crazy88Gorilla, whom I think we should trust):

For people who think David is doing this to be an asshole or gain attention you don’t know the history between these two. Jim Belushi and David did a movie together and that’s where the “feud” started. Dave asked Belushi to sign an autograph for a sick kid and Jim blew him off saying, “I thought you were gonna get me laid but you’re giving me this sick kid shit?” So, understandably Dave got pissed at this and Jim hasn’t and won’t hear the end of it for a while.

23 Comments

Don’t Call Me Professor

January 17, 2007 at 3:57 am (About Me, Celebrities, Storytime)

Four people agree, I was a kick-ass teacher. Oh, I have lots to say about the years I taught. The problem is that it usually bores everyone. Oh, the stories I could put people to sleep with. I’ll keep it short…

Old Woman on Bench, Northwest corrner Fourth Ave and Lenora, Seattle

Once, I was trying to get my students to understand that they had to give specific details to paint a mental picture with their words. Some descriptions are generalizations that are meaningless without a frame of reference.

I wrote on the board the phrase “An attractive older woman.” I asked them to describe this woman to me. Now, I’m picturing a tall, slim woman walking through the park. She has grey hair, brown flats, a black skirt, an old umbrella with the cane handle, an overstuffed black leather handbag, and wrinkles on her face.

My students sat and imagined their attractive older woman…I suspect that was what they were doing since they were just staring blanking without speaking. I watched them watch me watch them…I could only bear that for so long.

I asked what her hair looks like. (Long. Curly. Brown.) Her face? (White. Glasses. Hazel eyes. A small mole above her lip. Big eyes.) Her clothes? (Whatever I was wearing that day.) Yep, they described me. It’s sort-of funny and nice, right? They were calling me attractive and ribbing me a little by all joining in on the joke since no one broke the pattern and said she had blue hair or a hunchback. But, heck, I was thinking OLDER, like 2 generations away. I wasn’t even 1 generation away. Sheesh. I guess I proved my point about the importance of a frame of reference.

Despite my protestations, there was a generation gap. Once, while a group was setting up to do a creative exercise, the other students were talking about random pop culture stuff. One guy said, “Ashley is cute, but that Mary-Kate, I don’t know about her.” Naturally, I spit my coffee out in an explosion of laughter. “Um, they’re identical twins,” I told him. “No, actually, they’re fraternal,” one of the girls said. “And the one is hot,” another guy said. “They don’t look different enough to say one is hot and one is ugly,” I said. But I was clearly wrong. I’d lost ground because I didn’t know they weren’t identical…and apparently I…was…old. Damn.

Better to be old than to be Mary-Kate, I suppose.

Ashley and Mary-Kate, in that order

19 Comments

« Older entries