Here’s the belated update on Lindsay. [Aside to real Lindsay followers: This is not about how she hasn't had a drink for a week but has been in AA for a year. I'll get to that next month.]
Lindsay Lohan’s been writing things on her Blackberry and everyone is making fun of her for being stoopit. Her publicist is blaming the Blackberry.
First she wrote condolences to Robert Altman’s family. It contained the phrase “be adiquite.” Whatever. Adequate isn’t the easiest word to spell. Also, she seems to be misusing the word. So, maybe it’s some sort of personal slang. I misuse the word bunk. (Aside to Julie P: Thanks.)
Maybe it was a slip of the texting thumb. I don’t care. [Aside to Lindsay: I’m sorry you lost your friend. You might want to send a handwritten note to the family.]
The next Blackberry message Lindsay caught flack for was filled with odd statements, incoherencies, and spelling errors. It’s a rant about the libelous media and a slanderous LR, who turns out to be her former assistant Lindsay Ratowsky. [Aside to Lindsay: If you’re going to criticize the media, be above reproach. Writers are mean and cynical bullies.] [Aside to self: Not you, sweetheart. You're swell.]
Lindsay is quite frankly enraged by the media attention. Well, not the good stuff. But the stuff that’s untrue. And by untrue, I mean unverified by Lindsay. Don’t call her a drug user until after she comes out and says she was a drug user. [Aside to Lindsay’s lawyers: This is just a hypothetical example and in no way implies that Lindsay has ever looked like she does massive amounts of drugs.]
The rambling note says that she wants to rally the troops, including Al Gore, who said he’d help her, and fight evil.
She wrote:
“If he [Gore] is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK.”
Now, when I first read this, I thought she meant that she was going to get them to help her fight something like starvation. [Aside to celebrities: I know you feel close to this cause, because you think you know what’s it’s like to starve, but you can eat. Really, you can.]
When I dug in, I realized she was talking about fighting the lying media dogs. Trust me, to get the point you really have to have good translation skills. I happen to have excellent translation skills, which is why I think I should fight illiteracy. [Aside to my sisters: Watch for my post titled “Other Pepoele (sic) Read too.”]
You know what though? I would be annoyed if people made stories up about me. And if I didn’t have a cool dad I could turn to, I’d pick Al Gore. If he can inspires people to take our environmental problems seriously, he can do anything. I couldn’t respect that more. [Aside to Gore: I heart you.]
I hate it when people misunderstand me. But, I’m not going to ask Al Gore or Bill Clinton to help. Well, maybe I should. Al, if you’re reading this, sometimes people think I’m … no, forget that. Al, if you’re reading this, how can I help. I’m a popular celebrity that everyone cares about and pays attention to. What should I do with this power? [Aside to Bill Clinton: Will you blurb my book? You’ll like it. It’s about a chunky woman who makes bad relationship choices.]
This is Tree of Life by Suzanne Etienne. [Aside to self: You're the monkey.]
I often lose things because I’ve placed them an inch from where I usually place them. I then cry for help, which leads to the inevitable comment, ”if it were a snake it would’a bit ya.”
