My grandmother twisted her knee and couldn’t make it for Christmas. She lives across the state and was not taking her swollen knee on that little plane she takes to see me. I called her last night and cried on the phone. I’m a crier. I didn’t want her to know I was crying though because she would feel bad, right? And it’s not nice to make people feel bad, especially not on Christmas.
And that brings me to my intended subject. Guilt trips. I grew up with a lot of guilt tripping language floating around. It works on people who like to keep peace and don’t want to make others feel bad. Hence, my sisters were easily manipulated by this because they are both nice idealists. Since I prefer my autonomy, I saw that it was illogical to be swayed by it. If someone felt comfortable making me feel bad by using a guilt trip, I could in turn make them feel bad by not complying with their wish. It seemed like a perfect solution.
Being unaffected by the guilt trip made it easy to see what was underneath it:
- The guilt trip shows people’s value system. For example, parents will guilt kids into behaving in ways the ways they deem socially appropriate.
- It communicates love. Some people are more comfortable expressing themselves in the negative rather than the positive.
- It shows needs. Some people really need certain things from relationships but don’t know how or haven’t had success expressing these needs in a straightforward way.
- It’s guilt projection. A cover for guilt. Thowing a guilt trip to someone else often shows what the guilt tripper feels guilty about.
My grandmother likes to guilt me about not calling her enough. Naturally, this is a silly complaint, because the phone works both ways and she wasn’t calling me during the lulls. So, I know that she’s trying to say that she’s happy I’m calling her now. She might be expressing a need. If her need were just to talk to me, she could call. But maybe she needs me to call her in order to feel loved. Or maybe it’s a smoke screen to cover her own guilt for not calling me. Or maybe she’s expressing a deeply held belief that grandchildren should call their grandparents.
Let’s look at my friend who, when I visit him, asks me how long I will be staying. I could say that I can stay an hour and he’ll be salty about it. Why can’t I stay longer? I can say that I’ll be staying the weekend and he’ll complain that I should be staying the week. His guilt trip could be showing love. He wants a bigger portion of me. Maybe he needs to be able to convince me to stay longer or he feels out of control. Maybe he’s showing a value that guests should know that they are welcome to stay as long as they like. Or maybe he’s just feeling bad because he never visits me and doesn’t want me to mention it.
All of our actions, guilt-trippy or not, can probably be categorized by the above bullet points. I mean, I can conjecture all I want about the needs and values of others. I still don’t comply. And that’s because I have a need to be myself and I value people who love others for who they are.
I usually don’t mind the guilt trip. But when I’m feeling vulnerable for some other reason, the guilt trip enrages me. In those moments, I just don’t understand why people can’t focus on the positive to get what they want or express their feelings. Consider the difference: “I love it when you call me, dear,” vs. “I thought your fingers were broken.” Or “It’s so nice to see you. I’m glad you stopped by.” vs. “I don’t know why can’t you stay longer. I guess you’re too busy for your friends.”
When I’m low, it’s very hard to see the guilt trip in a good light. It pisses me off and makes me feel defensive. Then I focus on what people aren’t doing for me. And I don’t like to do that. I truly appreciate what people do for me. I couldn’t be happier. So, I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip or anything, I just want to say in a sad-sack tone thanks a lot for all of the guilt trips Sure, it makes me sad that you can’t communicate directly. But some day maybe you’ll feel comfortable enough with me. I don’t know what I can do to make that happen. Maybe I’ll just wish harder and one day it will come true.
Heather said,
December 26, 2006 at 4:45 pm
I hope you see this coming, then: Where have you been? Was your computer broken? Are you dead? Some of us like to read blog posts, you know. Tee hee. How’s that for you? I have more where that came from.
julieluongo said,
December 26, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Ask anyone, my fingers were broken.
Heather said,
December 26, 2006 at 4:55 pm
No, no – what I meant was: Yay! You’re back!
julieluongo said,
December 26, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Naturally, I knew what you meant.
Heather said,
December 26, 2006 at 7:14 pm
Indeed.
Cordelia said,
January 5, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I wish I’d read this before visiting my mother.
carisa said,
December 16, 2007 at 2:10 am
Thanks! This post really helps me put this into some perspective … I’m one of those nice idealists myself….but slowly and steadily I am coming to my senses… My grandmother routinely deploys fat guilt trips onto her family or commits other types of power plays….Ever since I was a child she (in her 50’s) would send personal belongings of hers periodically to family members letting them know that they should have her spoon collection, pictures,…etc. because she is going to die soon….
Her other most recent tactic,… I sent her my wedding invitation with the RSVP card. She refuses to answer yes or no about whether or not she can make it to the wedding (which is out of state) either by sending the card back or just letting me know when I ask her. She is really evasive….Instead she sends me several letters that metion suggestions about how I should plan my wedding or she sends me several Hallmark cards telling me thank you for the invite….I’ve expressed that it would be nice to have her there. But I’m realizing that I could tell her this a thousand times and it still wouldn’t be enough. She needs soooo much attention, that I feel drained after a phone conversation with her….
My mom passed away several years ago and when I was a little girl I remember quite distinctly that she and my grandmother could never get along. Now that I’m older, I see this and experience this first hand and understand with alot more clarity why it would be hard to be her daughter. (She guilt-tripped my mother about going to college when she was a single parent with two kids. At the time my mom was newly divorced, 25 years old with two little kids and on welfare….basically at the lowest point of her life. She somehow mustered up the courage to work hard in college and create a better life for us. My grandmother was always harping on my mother about how she should’ve been staying home raising us kids…so on and so forth through the decades it went….
When I think of the greater extent of her effect on my mother, it becomes imperative that I handle this situation with grace and not get mad because in the end her playing a little power game regarding her granddaughter’s wedding is pretty small potatoes compared to the crap my mother had to put up with in the past….
julieluongo said,
December 16, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Hang in there, Carisa. From what I’ve seen, weddings bring out the worst in people. I mean, it brings out the worst in other people because it sounds like you’re being really sweet to your grandmother. You can probably assume she’s coming to the wedding. Just put her down as a ‘yes” and order her the chicken instead of the beef.