It would be irresponsible of me not to comment on the ramblings about the new alliance of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton. People are going nuts about this. It’s been referenced as a sign of the Apocalypse in several places, most notably The New York Post.
This is completely insane of course. Three dippy girls hanging out together is not a sign of doom. An Inconvenient Truth is a sign of doom. But it’s far less attractive to view. And everyone in it is probably wearing underpants.
To my friends who don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, here are some highlights of what we-the-people-in-the-know are told to care about by the publicity machine. (No, once again, I am not talking about global warming. Keep up!)
So, Paris walked around like a dough-faced detart and made people jealous. (Check this transcript where Tina Fey tells Howard just how aggressively stupid Paris is.) Paris also did a porn video and pretended she didn’t mean to. We crouched in the bushes and watched.
Lindsay’s mom, Dina Lohan the White Oprah, probably advised Lindsay not to do accidental porn. Dina’s a veritable braintrust. Consider this evidence. She said she’s “like a mom” to these kids in the business – “like” a mom, huh? First of all, no you’re not. And secondly, you “are” a mom.
Ok, so I’m guessing that, armed with the sage wisdom of Dina, Lindsay Lohan went without panties. She got a lot of attention for it. People even airbrushed fake nude bits on Lindsay when 
she was in fact wearing underwear fueling gossip that Lindsay had some sort of botched crotch surgery. (The airbrushing was not so accurate.)
Meanwhile, over in Spears world, K-Fed was sleeping with a porn star and Britney was having trouble with car seats. It was too much to bear and they split. In an effort to revive her career, and by career I mean her ability to attract money for being pretty, Britney Spears partied without panties. Then Britney did it again (wore a very short skirt without underwear and got out of a limo, that is).
And it worked. She’s all over the place except for Victoria’s Secret, which really is becoming an incredibly well kept secret. They should come out with underwearless underwear for the celebrity in you. It would be a little mini camera attached to a jewel encrusted waistband. It will hang in front where you can easily snap a picture whenever your skirt lifts too high. (I know! What a great idea. You’re welcome!)
But back to the thing about Britney and Lindsay. I’m trying not to mention the other because it makes the bile rise. I can hardly believe I’m writing this at all (the art’s nice though, right?) Britney and Lindsay? I feel like I’m in some alternate reality. What am I, 13 years old? Not to mention, I didn’t even do this when I was 13. I had nice friends.
So, anyway these women are partying, and people are judging this because apparently Britney is a mom of a baby and an infant. You really want her to stay home with the kids? Hire help, I say. Preferably someone who knows how to hold and transport children without inflicting injury.
But Britney will be back to mothering before long. Here’s what’s going on. I know, because I happen to be living a parallel existence with the Princess of Pop. Britney’s birthday is coming up. Yes. You’ve got that right. She and I share a birthday. So, she’s enjoying herself a little. Taking time to whoop it up like any birthday lover would. Some of us celebrate birthdays, some celebrate birth weeks, some celebrate birth months. That’s all it is. It’ll die down. And when it does, everyone will be talking about Al Gore and how he flashed his enormous brain in An Inconvenient Truth. And won’t the girls be sad then.
Discouragement Kitten said,
December 1, 2006 at 10:27 am
I don’t wear underwear – usually. If I find underwear that says something funny then I will.
julieluongo said,
December 1, 2006 at 12:41 pm
You’re the original underwearless babe. Oh the many times I’ve seen your butt…
Heather said,
December 1, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Feck. If I’d known this virginal trifecta was slated to ascend, I’d have gone as a third of them for Halloween. How hard could it have been? I call dibs on LiLo: astute blends will recall I had to settle for Kate Jackson when the Angels got divvied up. Screw that! I’m Lohan, byotches! Though it might be nice to walk around saying “Y’all”, y’all…
julieluongo said,
December 1, 2006 at 7:59 pm
I think I might cross dress and go as Brandon Davis. I will get insanely drunk and insult people for being rich to middle class.
Anonymous said,
December 1, 2006 at 9:59 pm
Ewwww. I take it back. I just read this: http://urbansemiotic.com/2006/11/30/lindsay-lohan-proves-her-illiteracy/
I cannot in good conscience pretend to be her now, even in jest. I am saddened. A little light in my world just went out.
julieluongo said,
December 2, 2006 at 1:31 am
It’s mystifying. She reads scripts with proper grammar. She has to know that it’s “lucky enough to have know Robert Altman” and not “lucky enough to of known Robert Altman.” She was just tired and upset. But she knows! Right?
Heather said,
December 2, 2006 at 2:00 am
Yeah. Let’s go with that.
julieluongo said,
December 2, 2006 at 2:47 am
Apparently she wrote it on her Blackberry.
http://news.aol.com/entertainment/articles/_a/lindsay-lohans-publicist-lashes-out-at/20061201070109990001
I was IMing on AOL and saw the headline. I swear, I did not seek this news out.
P. Cunningham said,
December 2, 2006 at 9:02 am
This is a frighteningly elaborate breakdown of the whole situation, Jules. I’m afraid. Very afraid.
Of you.
Heather said,
December 2, 2006 at 11:32 am
Just “Be Adequite”. Isn’t that enough?
julieluongo said,
December 2, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Oh, and I’m proud at the elaborate breakdown (especially the fictionalized bits). The truthy parts remind me of a post I read about Fat Joe, Jay-Z, and Fiddy.
http://p-culture.blogspot.com/
Heather said,
December 8, 2006 at 3:24 pm
Oh, no. She didn’t.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2710837&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312
Heather said,
December 8, 2006 at 3:29 pm
I say: Lindsay? Less time texting, more time at the library for starters. But won’t Al Gore help the girl? Aren’t any former heads of state available? Can Madeleine Albright go out with the girls some night? Please. I’m begging you. I want to see those photos. Wait. No, I don’t.
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