Mixing It Up With My Blenders

November 30, 2006 at 4:50 am (Consumerism, Friends, You Tubes)

My blend Heather has a funny YouTube of a comedy sketch on her site that I keep listening to as I work at a frenzied pace, as I tend to do. You read that right. My “blend” Heather. It’s short for “blog-friend.” Yeah, I invented it. I believe it’s better than “blomie,” which is short for “blog homie” and also a directive. It’s for blog friends you like to get snarky with. And this is why I have to work at a frenzied pace. I’m trying to get to the good ideas.

Blends don’t differ in any way from friends. It’s just that in-the-flesh-friends get confused when I suddenly have a friend they’ve never heard of or met. Especially since all I’ve been doing is “working.” Blend will cut out the overly long explanation. Wait, then I’ll have to explain the word. But it’s worth it if possibly one day a word origin entry will read “first used by American writer Julie Luongo in her blog of 11/30/06.”

Enough of that. Here’s the funny YouTube. I’ll post it for your convenience since I know some of you (Goldy) won’t watch if you have to link to it. That’s fine, I’m here to help.

Another blend of mine wrote a book and I’m going to mention it now since, you know,  my birthday’s coming up. Behold Gary Mckenzie’s Gingerbread Kingdom:

 The Gingerbread Kingdom looks yummy

4 Comments

I Was Born With A Little Help From My Mom

November 29, 2006 at 4:45 am (Art)
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“No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you.” -Althea Gibson

Degas - L’Absinthe

My birthday’s coming up and I’ve always wanted to try a nip of absinthe. Just mentioning it in case you were wondering. Those people look like they’re having a blast, huh? Barfly, Degas style.

13 Comments

Buy Stuff and Feel Better

November 28, 2006 at 2:27 am (Consumerism, Freedom, Holidays, Mission, Travel)
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“Is it too much to ask? I want a comfortable bed that won’t hurt my back. Food to fill me up. And warm clothes and all that stuff. Shouldn’t I have this? Shouldn’t I have this? Shouldn’t I have all of this, and passionate kisses?” -Lucinda Williams 

To sleep, perchance to dream

Gift giving season is upon us and I’m here to help. If you missed it, I’ve already pointed out the flaws with the Sonic Blade Cordless Electric knife based on the infomercial. (“Don’t use muscle when you can use sonic technology” they tell us while showing someone sawing garlic bread with a carving knife. Here’s a tip – use a serrated knife for bread. And if you find your muscles are stressed, go to the gym immediately.) But forget about your pressing cutting needs and move along to a product I endorse.

The Memory Foam Mattress Topper is the topper of all mattress toppers. First off, it’s inexpensive (the one I linked you to is an Overstock.com bargain. Super bargain!). Secondly, it does everything it claims to do. Oh, it’s heaven. And I know of what I speak. I’m all about extreme bed comfort. If you just have a regular old bed, this will make your sleep time so much nicer. I promise.

I had an uncomfortable bed once. It was in my first apartment as an adult. I was crushed because I was too broke to replace the bed and, at the time, I had all sorts of nesting fantasies. I’ve since abandoned them. My disillusionment started with that uncomfortable bed. It was a slippery slope from there.

Nevertheless, I do have a comfortable bed now. Disillusionment be damned. And this is because sleep is the poor man’s luxury. When uncomfortable bedding interferes, then all hope is lost.

Some who know me well claim I sleep a lot. And maybe I do (or maybe I’m just seeking solitude – either way, it’s none of your business what I’m doing when the door’s closed). My sleep isn’t regimented in any way. If I fall asleep, good for me. If I don’t, then I’ll just continue working. This is the one perk of being a writer, and I take full advantage of it.

If someone wakes me unnecessarily, I have a ready glare. Oh, and it’s mean! If I really need to wake up for something I just pray I can rope someone into rousing me because I can, and will, sleep through any alarm. I’ve stranded myself in foreign lands. I’ve missed important interviews for cushy, shoe-in jobs. I even missed a final I was giving when I was a teacher. They were college students, so they were thrilled when I gave them the exam to take home.

But enough about my failed attempts at respectable jobbery. The memory foam topper makes it easier to fall asleep without lots of booze. It isn’t the only thing you need for a great bed. Good goose down pillows are essential. But that’s for another post.

6 Comments

007 Alters 20/20

November 27, 2006 at 1:53 am (Celebrities, Movies)

Here you go. This is the shot heard round the theater. Yes, this image of James Bond is what everyone is talking about. Daniel Craig looking awkward in a tight bathing suit:

European man in tight bathing suit!

And just to compare, let’s take a look back and behold the cycle of beauty and hair maintenance standards Bond-style.

Pierce Brosnan (1995–2002):

Demure

Timothy Dalton (1987–89):

Sorry. Couldn’t find a bathing suit picture

Roger Moore (1973–85):

Suck it in, Roger

George Lazenby (1969):

If your happy and you know it.

Sean Connery (1962–67; 1971) :

Time for a good book

Not to mix genres, but this is for you, Bunche (and if you didn’t catch it, this is a reference to comments from the previous post):

Not Scott Peterson

And this is for me of Sean Connery from Zardoz. Nice boots. (This is a reference to my quest for funny):

 All men should own thigh high boots

And lastly here’s, Ursula Andress, former Bond girl that caused gasps and inspired the Craig scene. (This is mentioned in the Vault of Buncheness and also by the far less reliable and interesting New York Times and BBC news):

Bond casts a spell on our eye sight

6 Comments

The Power of One Good Movie

November 26, 2006 at 5:28 pm (Celebrities, Movies)

Here’s a news flash. Daniel Craig is a fugly dude. Go ahead and rave about his acting skills, his eyes, his portrayal of Ian’s character, or his physique. But recognize that your appreciation of this actor might be based on his skill as Bond.

He’s got:

  • a pea head
  • protruding ears
  • thin upper lip
  • appalingly ashy and uneven skin
  • wispy, thin, thinning hair
  • John-Boy-gone-bad appearance
  • a creepy look in those eyes everyone seems to like so very much

Behold:

Pea head.

Protruding ears.

John-Boy-gone-bad appearance

Wispy, thin, thinning hair.

Appalingly ashy and uneven skin.

Thin upper lip.

 

Creepy look in eyes.

Next thing you know Crispin Glover will turn into a sex symbol after landing the role of the latest incarnation of Batman. McFly!

  I actually have a thing for Crispin

8 Comments

Lindsay Lohan Wants an Oscar

November 25, 2006 at 3:19 am (Celebrities, Lindsay Lohan, Movies)

 Hat women stick togetherHat woman

No, not an Oscar de la Renta. She’s aiming for an Academy Award. Eventually. Good for her, I say.

She wants to play Stevie Nicks in her life story and is presently angling for the rights to it. Walk the Line and Ray gave her the idea. It’s not a bad plan.

I think Lindsay’s a good match for this role. She and Stevie are similarly wacky:

  • They both take themselves pretty seriously. 
  • Stevie had a drug problem and Lindsay has admitted to using and seems to be on the habit-trail.
  • They both make unusual fashion statements. 
  • And they love hats. 

I don’t much care about the life story of Stevie Nicks. But I didn’t care about Ray Charles or Johnny and June Cash either, but I liked those movies.

If this entry made you say ho-hum, just know that I’m with you. And to those of you who care about my commitment to follow a celebrity, let me tell you, it’s as painful as ever. Thanks for caring. Lindsay’s tendency to go without underwear is not endlessly fascinating to me. I wish I’d picked … Penelope Cruz. I’d probably hate talking about her by now too though. I wish this experiment weren’t proving that I’m fickle.

6 Comments

Wrap it Up, Folks

November 24, 2006 at 9:41 pm (Freedom, News)

Peace, PopeAs you probably know, the Catholic church disapproves of the use of birth control of any kind. This is so Catholics will breed more Catholics, and everyone will tithe. 

There’s some other rationale for it that makes no logical sense whatsoever. The gist of it is if you have sex with birth control, you are committing some sort of pre-conception abortion. I know, that sounds too crazy to be true. I’m probably missing the subtleties of the rule. Whatever the reason, no one has ever been able to explain it to my satisfaction.

The big news out of the Vatican is that they might condone the use of condoms. If they allow it, there will be conditions. It will be acceptable if you’re married and your partner has HIV/AIDS from a blood transfusion. Talk about progress!

I think I’ll just shorten and twist the message. I learned well how to abbreviate and convolute messages during my Sunday school lessons. Everyone should use condoms! The pope says so. Yay.

3 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving

November 23, 2006 at 2:01 am (Food, Freedom, Holidays)
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Advice from the doctor for all of your holiday gatherings: 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss

Don't forget the nutmeg

And give thanks for the spices in your pumpkin pie. Without it, you just might not be where you are today.

1 Comment

Julie Goes German

November 22, 2006 at 3:17 am (About Me, Travel)
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I used to have a blog doppelganger in German, but the link is down now. Nevertheless, I will now excuse myself to address my German readers a second:

“Sie konnten sagen, daß Sie ein Träumer sind, aber Sie nicht das einzige sind.”-John Lennon

The Brother's were Grimm

Here’s an illustration of one of my favorite stories by two of my favorite storytellers (the illustration is from this website).  Cinderella by the Brother’s Grimm.

My mother used to read me this story when I was a kid, and for as long as I live I will never forget the step-sisters cutting off their heels and toes to fit in the glass slipper. I can still see the blood filling the shoe. (For other examples of stories from my youth check out the elevator operator entry and the goblin’s poem.)

The Brother’s Grimm are stellar Germans. I’m also quite fond of Goethe. And of course, there are lots of incredible Germans living amongst us. I’m sure you know at least two. Send them this link. It’ll be a fun experiment to see how it translates … because I’m pretty sure Sol LeWitt is pronounced Sol LeWitt in any language (and not Solenoid LeWitt).

Danke! Ich liebe Deutsches!

3 Comments

It’s a Duck, It’s a UFO, It’s a Freecycle Post

November 21, 2006 at 2:46 am (Consumerism, Freedom)
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If you’re not Freecycling, you’re part of the problem. I wrote about this last month in my chilling expose on free cats. If you weren’t tuned in that day, Freecycle is a trash-to-treasure listserv. Socially conscious people, or people who can’t bear to throw anything away, can find homes for their trash (Lisa).

I’m not particularly pack-rattish (Steve), nor am I one of the most socially conscious people I know (Lyd). But I love seeing what’s getting passed around. I read it with rapt interest. It might as well be the police blotter in my local paper. I’m not bragging or anything, but I’m from a unique area where the weird, dumb, and crazy rub elbows like so much macaroni salad. We had a Darwin award nominee in our police calls a couple years ago (Nail-gun-to-the-head-guy). That link will take you straight to him.

I thought I might pass along some favorite Freecycle entries from the past week. Bear in mind, you can post for things you want to get rid or or for things you’re in search of (bolds indicate my amusment):

Spores are yummyi have a box of misc things, paint roller pans, bubble pack, peanut packing, phone with working caller id, 5 lb bag potatoes, remote control flying saucer, cd case, ect take all or none and freecycle what you don’t want

Potatoes? Why are they in that box? And who gets rid of a bag of potatoes?

Does it get Adult Swim?i have an RCA TV. i believe that it is 32 inches. it doesnt work, one day i was watching tv, when i turned it off and tried to turn it back on, it came on but the screen was black and we tried it several times and it always stayed black. besides that it is in excellent condition and is only about 5 yrs old

Besides the fact that it doesn’t work, it works great!

These three were posted individually by the same person: 

OFFER: Duck eggs. Great for eating or baking

OFFER: 3 Ducks. They are pets I have too many now. Three are up for grabs.

WANTED: Straw for animal bedding

Quick … take the eggs, or there’ll be more ducks up for grabs. Mmm. Babies.

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